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I felt a lazy smilecaress my lips as I sunk into his embrace, allowing his softpraises to flow over me, happier than I had been in months.
Chapter Six
Back to ThePresent
My heart was racingas my feet pounded on the treadmill. As I crested the last of myfive-mile run, I felt like my legs were going to give out on me atany moment. My body was exhausted but my mind still refused to shutdown. The music blaring in my ears was barely enough to quiet thethoughts racing through my brain.
After thelife-altering orgasms Damon had given me that night, I had happilyfallen asleep in his arms. He’d folded us both down under theblanket and sleep came surprisingly easy to me. My body had beenutterly exhausted, thanks to his ministrations and soothing wordsof praise, making me feel secure.
I heated at thememory of him saying, “Eres perfecta para mi, Roja.”Even though I knew the words he whispered to me werebullshit—I wasn’t perfect foranyone—something about him speaking to mein Spanish made my heart race and my insides soft. Part of mewanted to believe his loving words.
I hated to admit itbut that night I slept the best I had in months. I liked to tellmyself that it was because I was worn out from helping Kate moveand then what happened with Damon afterward. I told myself I’d justphysically drained my body, but I couldn’t ignore the feeling ofbeing safe in his arms. Falling asleep in a cocoon of his warmthhad spread an unfamiliar fuzzy feeling in my chest that I tried toignore. I’d laid in his arms that night and allowed myself to feelsomething comforting for once. Even if I didn’t deserve it, I letmyself pretend I did for a little while.
When I awakened thenext morning to nothing but cold sheets next to me, I felt myresolve harden again. I kicked myself for allowing anyone to bringmy walls down, even for a night. Look what happened the moment Ilet myself feel solace in someone else’s arms—I ended up feeling used and tossed aside.
I’d found his notethat he had tucked on my nightstand a little after that. He hadwritten that he hated to leave me but felt like I needed space tothink about where we should go from here. He asked that I call himwhen I was ready to talk. Well, I had news for him. If he wanted togive me space, he was damn sure going to get it.
I knew somewheredeep down that what he did was the right thing. If I had woken thesame way I had fallen asleep, I knew I would’ve put on the fakebravado I so often wore and kicked his ass to the curb. Even if Iwanted to do the exact opposite.
Being on the defensewas my default setting. If I was the one pushing people away, thenthere was no way for them to see the true person I was under thisfalse exterior. That person was still very broken, shamed, anddidn’t want anyone’s pity.
Damon had waitedthree days after that night before he started calling and textingme. They had been innocent at first. Checking in to see if I hadany questions for him. I left him on “read” every single time,hoping he would get the hint.
He didn’t.
Eventually, histexts turned to just him talking about his day and how much hewould love to see me. He said over and over that he was trying tostay away but he didn’t know how much more of the cold shoulder hecould take from me. I worried that he would try showing up at myhouse unannounced, but so far he hadn’t. The thought of him showingup and taking control of my body again both terrified and excitedme.
I could deal withthe texts and calls throughout the day, it was the ones that hewould text me late at night that were starting to tear down myresolve.
My heart pounded asI kept my breakneck speed on the tread. I knew that the thumpingwasn’t just from my cardio session, but rather, thoughts of hisdirty texts always made my pulse jump.
He had one of theabsolute dirtiest minds. The explicit things he texted me wereenough to make me think he could write one of the raunchiest smutbooks anyone had ever seen. What he said he wanted to do to me wasalmost enough to makemeblush. Almost.
I had read andre-read his messages over and over again. Playing the words in myhead until they had taken on physical form behind my very eyes.Shamefully, I’d found my own release multiple times from thevisions he enticed from my imagination.
He was worming hisway into my everyday life and I was having a hard time wanting tokeep him out. If only he knew that I was doing it for his own good.He may have a filthy mind, but I knew he was too good of a man tohave anything to do with me.
I wiped the sweatfrom my eyes before I felt my legs start to wobble under me.Hitting my palm on the “stop” button, I slowed my aching feet to ahalt. Breathing hard, I braced my arms on the handles and leanedforward. Resting my head against the cold panel, I tried to calm myracing heart and thoughts.
I didn’t get muchsleep at all last night. After my fantasy shower, thoughts of Damoncontinued to plague me into the early morning. At some point, I haddozed off only to awaken with a violent jerk less than an hourlater. The smell of vanilla and musk had plagued my dreams so badlythat I swear I still smelled it when I woke. I finally gave uparound four o’clock and climbed out of bed. After making my bed andplacing pillows and blankets in their assigned spot, I put on mysports bra and leggings.
Lifting weights inmy home gym usually was enough to wear me out to the point ofexhaustion. Unfortunately, it didn’t work lately. So, I had hit thetread hard in hopes I could find some relief. An hour later and Iwas still in the same space I had started, only now I’d besurprised if I could walk out of here.
Looking at my watch,I groaned in irritation and pushed away from the handles. It wasofficially time to start my day. Thank God it was Friday. I didn’tthink I could take much more of this week.
I headed toward thekitchen with heavy limbs. Grabbing the same thing I did everymorning, I made fast work of breakfast. Two hard fried egg whites,a toasted whole-wheat English muffin with butter, and a mug ofblack coffee. Nothing but routine for Jill Brookes.
For some reason whenI bought this house I thought I needed a big dining room table.Seeing as I never allowed people to come over, it seemed a littleridiculous now as I sat at my big empty table and ate my mealalone. Normally I found solitude in the quiet, but lately it seemedthe silence was deafening.
After finishing, Itook my dishes to the sink. I washed, dried, and placed the nowclean dishes back into the cupboards. Taking the time to clean upthe frying pan I used as well. I cleaned up the rest of the kitchenwith repetitive movements. I could do all of this with my eyesclosed. As with everything else in my life, all of this was just aconstant routine.
I headed to mybathroom to get ready for the day. I turned on the shower tohellishly hot and stepped in. While scrubbing my body, I mentallywent through my schedule for the day. I had multiple meetings,ranging from meeting with the head of the art department, goingover cover art of some new authors we were taking in, and talkingwith the marketing department about some new ads they wanted torelease.
I stood in front ofthe vanity after my shower, curling and styling my already wavyhair with practice strokes. As I brushed my teeth, Fiona rubbedagainst my legs, purring. “Hey there, girl,” I cooed at the felinebefore bending to scratch her favorite spot behind her ear. Ismiled and resumed my readying as she ran off after receiving herattention for the morning.
After applying mymakeup, I padded into my walk-in closet to pick out today’sarmor.
I didn’t have a lotof things that brought me pleasure in this world, but shopping wasundoubtedly one of those things. Some people would probably say Ihad a shopping problem if they could see my closet but I would sayI had no such issue. I knew what I liked and I had no qualms aboutindulging in such. I walked through my expansive wardrobe andthumbed through the choices as I went. It wasn’t hard to findsomething I wanted to wear, as all my clothing was sorted bycolor.
