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Luke looked down, fiddling with his hands. He seemed to want to tell me something – he opened his mouth but then closed it again.
Finally, he looked up, a neutral expression on his face. I couldn’t decipher what he felt.
“Just… no matter what happens… promise me you won’t become like you were in the previous war,” Luke said.
“Like what?” I asked, even though I knew the answer.
“A cold-blooded killer that thinks he has to sacrifice his own feelings for the betterment of his kingdom.”
I stared at Luke, and he stared right back at me, not turning his gaze away.
The silence between us prolonged.
I was the first to break it. “Isn’t that what I am?”
Luke huffed. “In the last few days, I've seen you be someone else. I’ve seen you care for your wife. I hoped she would bring you some much needed light and happiness. But here you go again, shying away from her, throwing yourself into another war.”
“I’m a commander and war hero. I kill to protect my country. It’s who I am, and I can’t forget that fact,” I repeated, my voice as cold as steel.
I wanted to believe what I said. My kingdom needed me now, far more than I needed Grace. I couldn’t become someone else, someone softer – not with this war ready to possibly destroy our peace.
I needed Grace to have a peaceful life. I needed her safe in the palace, protected, even if it meant sacrificing myself to guarantee her happiness.
I wanted to see her calm and untroubled, not worrying about any of these upsetting matters that would fall to me – the coldness of war, the ruthlessness of killing.
No, Grace was a ray of sunshine in my life, and even if I couldn’t let that light touch my soul, she needed to shine. I would protect her warm glow.
Luke didn’t seem pleased with my words, but when I gave him a stern look, he said nothing more.
“We’ll go into the field tomorrow. Let’s get some rest for now,” I said.
Luke lowered his head. “As you command, my liege.”
When he spoke to me not as a friend but as my subordinate, my heart felt even colder.
This is what you wanted, Silas. Don’t be silly, don’t get distracted. The safety of Grace and the kingdom is what matters most.
If another war came to our doorstep and I had to fight and kill again, what would Grace think of me then? If she saw the monster in me… would she push me away? Would she run from me with tears in her eyes?
Yes, I was sure all of those things would happen.
I had to prepare my heart for the loss of Grace’s warmth; a warmth I had only experienced once so far but already cared for dearly.
If I had to destroy my heart in the process of protecting everyone, so be it.
Chapter Seven
Grace
The week flew by as I settled into my new rhythm of being tutored at night and sleeping during the day. The lessons were hard, broaching many subjects I had no idea about. The teachers weren’t all patient with me either.
Lord Arthur had many unkind words for me whenever I didn’t provide the correct responses to the imagined social situations he presented to me. He let me know he thought I was useless and dim, and I was starting to believe him. I really rarely got the etiquette of the vampire court right.
Slowly but surely I was learning from him though, so maybe one day I really would be good enough to go out in public and not embarrass the royal family.
Playing the piano wasn’t easy either. Lord Noah never belittled me, but the disappointment in his eyes when I couldn’t even read the notes was real. I had never learned anything about music. I wondered if I would ever be able to play the instrument like I wasn’t completely tone deaf.
Embroidery hurt my fingers, as I pricked myself over and over again with the needle. Lady Ophelia had to hold a handkerchief against her nose so as not to smell my blood. My embroidery was wonky and not at all ladylike. If not for her snide comments, I would have enjoyed this task.
