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“And if it isn’t?” Faith asked.
“Can you please stop being negative?” he snapped. “What do you want me to say? If the lead doesn’t pan out, then everyone will die, and we’ll be failures?”
“I’m fine with being optimistic, Michael, but I’m not just going to act like everything’s okay when it isn’t. I can’t just convince myself that everything will work out when I don’t know for sure that it will.”
“Well, it’s not helpful to just assume that everything’s going to work out poorly.”
“I’m notassuming, Michael! I’m trying to plan ahead!”
“So tell me a plan, don’t just throw your hands up in the air and say, ‘Well, I hope everything works out, but it probably won’t.’”
“Okay,” Faith said tersely. “Sounds good. I’ll be cheerful and bubbly all the time. Never mind that there are women out there at risk of being murdered so a psychopath can cast a spell to obtain eternal life.”
“You’re right, Faith,” he said sarcastically. “This is much different from literally every single case we’ve ever worked ever. How are we going to handle this totally unique situation? God, how is it possible that we don’t have all the answers right now?”
“The longer we don’t have answers, the more people die!”
“Yes. That’s true. That’s the damned job, Faith. The same job you’ve been working for eleven years.”
“Well, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten used to the fact that I can’t save everyone.”
“Me too. Because you’re a lot less effective when you’re petulant.”
Faith turned away from him and pressed her lips together so they wouldn’t tremble with anger. After a moment, Michael sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that in anger.”
Faith picked up on the meaning behind that. “But you still should have said it?”
He sighed again. “Yes. It’s the truth. Look back on the cases we’ve worked. You’re at your best when you can distance yourself from the emotions of the job and focus on the process. When you can’t, we end up with situations like when Turk bit an innocent man in the subway or when you were nearly suspended for committing home invasion against another innocent man. It’s been a while since you’ve been this depressive, and I’m concerned. I understand that you’re going through a lot of stress right now. But—and I don’t mean this out of anger or frustration—but if you aren’t in a place to put emotion aside, then maybe it’s a good idea for you to take some time out of the field.”
Faith stiffened but stifled the angry retort. She looked at the wall and said nothing, not quite trusting herself to speak. Michael remained silent, not apologizing further and not attacking her.
What hurt the most was that he was right. The stresswasgetting to her. Turk’s pending retirement, her possible forced “retirement,” the upcoming move with David that might or might not be the death knell of their relationship, therapy with a doctor who was hell-bent on allowing her to keep absolutely nothing to herself, West’s trial and a new murderer who might be obsessed with her… it was all too much.
But pulling away wasn’t the answer. That was the same as giving up, and Faith wasn’t a quitter. If she took a step back now, she wouldn’t take another step forward. Turk was retiring in amonth, and if that date came while she was sitting behind a desk, she’d stay behind that desk.
She looked at Turk, resting peacefully in between the mattresses. She wondered if he would have trouble with retirement, or if he’d be just as happy running through the park chasing butterflies as he was chasing bad guys. Would he even understand that he was retired, or would he think he was just waiting for a new case? Would he just be happy to be with Faith no matter where he was and what he was doing? Maybe she’d be just as happy pulling nine-to-five work and spending her free time with her dog and her boyfriend.
But she wasn’t there yet, and as long as she was still a field agent, relaxation wasn’t an option for her. Still, she needed to balance her emotions better when working a case. Michael wasn’t wrong about that.
“I apologize for my moodiness,” she said. “The stress I’m going through now is a lot, but I shouldn’t let it impact my work.”
“I don’t know if that’s something you can control, Faith,” he replied gently. “And if you can, I don’t know if it’s something you should control. You’re only human. That’s something you’ve always had trouble dealing with, but eventually pushing yourself past your limits catches up to you. We’ve both seen dozens of agents burn out hard at the end of their careers. I’d just hate to see that happen to you.”
Faith nodded, then said, “Let’s take things one step at a time. I’ll pull my emotions back in regard to the case. I’ll be patient with the process without slowing down or just waiting for things to fall into place. I’m going to leave everything else for after, and I’d appreciate it if you did the same.”
He met her eyes, and she saw the concern in his gaze. "I'll be all right," she assured him. "I've dealt with worse and pulled through. As for the burnout, I promise I'll step away on myown terms long before the stress goes that far." She was almost certain that she couldn't keep that promise, but she needed him to focus on the case as well, and if he was too concerned for her, then he wouldn't be.
Michael’s expression made it clear that he didn’t believe her, but his words made it clear that he would back off anyway. “Sounds good. So, without pessimism or fear, let’s look at the case. What’s our next step?”
Before Faith could answer, her phone rang. Detective Hilary. Her blood froze. These calls were rarely good news.
She steeled herself for the coming blow and answered. “Hello?”
“We got the report on the powder,” Hilary replied.
She nearly collapsed with relief when she realized it wasn’t another body. “I’m going to put you on speaker,” she said. She looked at Michael and said, “He’s got the report on the powder.”
“Huzzah,” Michael replied.
