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“I like to do things on my terms,” he says. “And that means the police get us when we know why they want us. When we have details and a plan.”
“Can’t Reid just call Jean Claude?”
“They parted on bad terms.”
“Can you call your father?”
“He’s the enemy.” He turns us right down the hallway leading toward the side door. “We can’t trust a word he says.”
I don’t have a father that I can call a father, not really, and he was really horrible to me and my mom, but to distrust him the way Gabe does his father—that’s got to hurt. That’s got to mess with you and I think of Cat’s comment about trust. Gabe doesn’t trust. I’m just thankful that I told him what I did. I wouldn’t want to hide anything from him. Not with this history that I have a feeling runs much deeper than his father. It’s about why he ensured he can’t have babies. It’s about that KM threat my ex threw out at him that he didn’t talk to Reese about. He’s going to have to talk to him. The thing is, will he talk to me? Will he trust me?
Maybe.
Eventually.
Not now.
We exit the courthouse with that thought on my mind, that certainty: no, he will not trust me. Not yet. I just have to understand that we’re new. He’s all in with me. I feel that, but emotional layers are created over years and years, over a lifetime. I can’t expect full exposure now. I haven’t even given him full exposure. I don’t have secrets, but as we settle into the backseat of the SUV, and he pulls me close, I think of some of the things I endured with my ex. These things aren’t easy to talk about. They aren’t things I even think about. I’m a robot in some ways where my ex is concerned. That was survival. But what, I wonder, made a vasectomy survival for Gabe?
I lean into him, closer now and some part of me wants to hide in the shelter of his body. He’s going to ask questions. He’s going to push for more of my past, and if I really want him to share his, I’m going to have to share mine. Gabe must read my mind because he turns to me, cups my face, and strokes my cheek. “You were brave. Youarebrave. So fucking brave.”
I don’t know if he means with Reese and his family, or with my ex. It doesn’t matter. I reject this description of me vehemently. “No. I’m not brave. I was not brave. I was a coward. You don’t—”
He kisses me, a tender kiss, tongue stroking deep but slow, and when he pulls back he says, “I do. I know. More than you think I know.” He runs his thumb over my lips and then settles into his seat.
I’m quaking inside again, but I’m warm in ways I didn’t think I could ever feel warm again. It seems that since my ex, I’ve lived with ice inside, with a chill that would never heat, a part of me always a wrong move away from shattering.
Gabe knows more than I think he knows. He’s said that kind of thing to me before. I’m not sure what he means. I just know that I’m remarkably at peace with those words, as if he’s declared his soul knows my soul, his damage understands my damage. Andmaybe it does. Maybe he does. I just hope it’s enough to get us through it all.
A few minutes later, we enter Cat and Reese’s apartment building, and I’m now hyperaware of all the doors I opened, all the questions I invited when I talked about my past with Kenneth. Now, Gabe will ask questions and I decide on the elevator ride that I will give him answers without demanding he do the same for me. He’s not ready for that and, I have to take risks with this man. Lord knows he’s taken them with me by staying in this, by standing by me. I have to give trust to get trust, I decide, but the thing about trust is that it’s fragile in its infancy. Trust is about being vulnerable and when you’re vulnerable, you shatter easily. And what if you shatter into too many pieces? What if you can’t pull yourself back together? What if you let the person destroy you?
Chapter fifty-five
Abbie
The minute we’re inside his sister’s apartment I know the questions will follow. Anticipation, dread, worry—these things knot in my belly, have burned through me with every step down the hallway leading to the apartment door. Now, waiting for Gabe to deal with security and then eventually unlock the door, my stomach is in knots and it’s not like I’m not willing to share details with Gabe. This man has quickly found his way into my life where I want him to stay. He’s helped me. He’s involved himself in things that will cause him hell I don’t want him to live. He deserves whatever answers he wants from me. It’s just hard to talk about some of the things this conversation will expose.
He shoves open the door and when I would enter, he grabs me and kisses me. “Easy, baby. You’re throwing off nerves and I don’t know why. It’s me. Just me. You know me now.”
“Not as well as I want to know you, Gabe.”
“And I want to know you, all of you, Abbie, but I get the idea that you think that’s going to change?”
“I’m just—I’m feeling a little exposed, for a lack of a better word, right now.”
He caresses my cheek. “Don’t. Whatever you think I see when I look at you, you must not see what I see. When I think of what you went through—”
“You think weak and stupid?” I challenge, my heart lurching.
“I see nothing but strong and brave when I look at you, Abbie. Go inside. Let’s talk. Let’s kiss. Let’s get past this.” He strokes my bottom lip, heat waving off of him, crashing into me. “We definitely need to go inside.” He turns me to face the door and smacks my backside playfully.
I yelp at the unexpected palm, laughing the way only Gabe could make me laugh right now, stepping into the apartment foyer as I do. That’s when I laugh all over as I’m accosted by a Golden Retriever with a ball. Smiling broadly, I go down on my knee in front of the pup when a pretty brunette appears in the hall.
“I see you’ve met Nikki,” she says. “Our kitty Kesha is hiding somewhere so don’t let her scare you if she pounces.” She smiles. “And I’m Carrie.”
I pop to my feet. “Reid’s wife, right?”
Gabe steps to my side and gives Nikki a pat. “Hi there, Nikki. Hey there, Carrie.” He calls out, “Hi Kesha!” He eyes Carrie. “Hiding again?”
