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“Finley Fontenot. You are my best friend. You’re required to take my side in everything.”
“I am taking your side.”
My gaze snapped away from my phone to him. “No, you’re not. You just said—”
“Betty.” He stood up and walked around his desk to sit beside me on the loveseat and took my hand in both of his. “Honey, listen to me. You obviously love him. And you’re pushing him away because that scares the shit out of you.”
“That’s not true,” I said half-heartedly, staring down at where he held my hand.
“Bea. Look at me.”
I did, clenching my jaw against whatever he was about to say. I still wasn’t prepared.
“You do have some hang-ups because of your dad.” His eyes softened and he pulled me against him. “You’ve always strived for perfection because you thought you needed to be perfect in order to be loved. Because your father was a dick and abandoned you and your mom and your sister.”
I heaved in a breath. “Ow, Finn.”
“Just listen to me and actually hear what I’m saying to you.” He stroked his palm over my head then pulled back and gripped my shoulders, giving me his serious Finn look. “You are not perfect and you aresoworthy of love.”
A boulder-sized weight shifted to the tipping-point edge of my heart.
“Finn. I know I’m not perfect.”
“I’m sure you do. But you’re also afraid you’re not enough because of it. Because that dick of a father made you feel that way.” He cupped my cheek as I held everything in, barely breathing. “You’re more than enough. I know it. Your mom and sister know it.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek, his voice dipping softly. “And Bennett knows it.”
I stood abruptly and blew out a shaky breath, the weight on my heart rolling back, settling heavier, threatening to crush it. “I’m not saying you’re wrong,” I managed to say.
“Because I’m not. I’m right.”
“I’m just saying that’s a lot of heavy psychobabble to swallow on my lunch break.”
Finn stood and propped his hands low on his hips, watching me, not letting me make light of this.
“You were the one who told him you needed space. Use it wisely, Bea. And face this like the grown woman that you are. It’s time to say goodbye to those fears and let this man into your life.”
“I’ve got to go.” I packed my half-eaten lunch. Well, I’d eaten three grapes and taken a bite of my sandwich, so technically, a quarter eaten, maybe. I don’t know. I hated math. Hated everything right now.
Even myself. Especially myself.
“Bea—”
“I’m fine. I just need to go.”
I hurried out of his office and back to my classroom, clutching my blouse at the chest, finding it hard to breathe. I didn’t want to agree with Finn, but his words played on loop in my head for the rest of the day and they sunk deep.
I could barely concentrate enough to teach my classes, the weighted sensation worsening as the day wore on. I went zombie-like through my last two of the day and headed straight to my car when the final bell rang.
I avoided Lily because I couldn’t talk to anyone else and hurried out to my car, deciding to go straight home and drink a bottle or three of wine.
Why can’t I breathe?
Rolling my windows down, I turned onto Acadian Trail Road toward my house, unable to clear this agonizing feeling that made me feel so wretched and heartsick I could barely focus on the road.
The Tractor Supply Company was coming up on my left. I veered into the lot, shoved my car into park, and pressed my forehead to the steering wheel, my head spinning with Finn’s words. Taking a few minutes to settle down, I finally snatched my phone out of my purse and checked my texts to find there were still no new ones from Bennett. My fingers hovered over the letters.
I reread for the thousandth time his last message.
You win.
