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“Her name’s Mia,” I say. “She knows. She was at the club.”
I expect Diego to reel back from that news, but he nods and gathers himself. “My roommate Leo was there too. He knows. I told him about … all of it.”
My eyebrows flicker up with surprise. “You told someone?”
“I had to,” Diego says. “I … wasn’t doing well after the last time we talked.”
Hewasn’t doing well? He’s the one who psuedo-broke up withme! What right does he have to be the one “not doing well?”
“Listen, Avery, I messed up,” Diego says. “Last time we talked, it all came out wrong. You’d just said … you’d just said that to me, and I tried to talk to you about schools that are across the country, across the world. I was an idiot, a complete idiot. I didn’t realize how it was going to sound because … because I haven’t really done this before. Nothing in my life has prepared me for … for you.”
“Me?”
“I come from nowhere, Avery. I come from a place you wouldn’t even call a town. I used to drive for hours to get a drink with a guy. I’ve never really done this. But I want to do it with you.”
All I can do is blink. My breath is caught in my chest, frozen between my lungs and my mouth. It takes a beat before I remember to breathe.
“I don’t understand,” I say, voice thin. Where is all this coming from all of a sudden? What is he saying?
Diego digs into the pockets of his coat. His hand emerges clutching several printed out sheets of paper. He holds them up like those crumpled pages explain everything.
“Can I show you something?” he says.
I don’t know how to answer that, so I wave at my coffee table, where me and Mia’s ice cream sits melting intosoup. Diego kicks off his shoes and heads there. I follow more slowly. By the time I reach him, he’s pushed the ice cream aside and is smoothing those papers down on the table. As I settle beside him on the couch, I realize they’re brochures and information pages from various websites. When they sit side-by-side, I spot the words “graduate program” in repeating in bolded fonts.
My first instinct is to be pissed as hell.
“I did some research,” Diego says. “Before you get mad, hear me out. These are all programs I think you could apply to someday. If you want to. But this one—” He pulls out one paper in particular and sets it atop the rest. “This is Montridge’s. The one I’m in. The one I’ll be in for the next couple years.” He glances aside at me, but I sit very still, trying not to betray my thudding heart. “You can see that it compares well to these other programs, some of which are the top places to study gender and sexualityin the world.”
“What are you saying?” I manage.
Diego leaves the papers on the table and turns as much as he can to face me. His knees bump into mine. He scoops my hands into his, holding them and meeting my eyes.
“I think you could do this,” he says. “I think you’re brilliant and amazing and could change this field if you stayed in academia. I think you could change the world, Avery. You’re that incredible. And … and I want to be there when you do it. I want you to choose Montridge because … because that’s where I’ll be. That’s where I’ll stay. If you want me to.”
My lips fall open. I breathe in short sips. Diego’s eyes never leave mine, but they waver behind his glasses, that soft brown filled with anxiety over my response to this audacious proposal.
“Stay and study with you?” I say.
“Yes,” he says. “Yes, if you want to. If you’re willing. But if you want me to leave, I’ll do it. I’ll get out of your life and out of your way. You deserve this more than I ever did.”
“That isn’t true.” I find my voice at last, and squeeze his hands hard. “That isn’t true at all. I never even considered doing this until I met you.”
Diego opens his mouth to argue, but I press a finger over his lips. Now that I’ve started speaking, I know exactly what I need to say, what my heart needs to say.
“And I can’t imagine continuing to do it without you,” I say. “I can’t imagine doing what I love without the man I love.”
I’ve said it again, but I don’t care. Diego came here for a big revelation, for a last chance. Well, there’s mine. I love you, idiot. Take it or leave it.
“I won’t do this halfway,” I say. “I’m either all in — or nothing at all.”
I’ve put myself out there, played all my cards. I’m touched by Diego’s consideration, by the effort he went to to show me the future we might have. It shows that he does care, but caring isn’t enough. I’m going to do this for real, or I’m going to walk away.
It’s up to Diego.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Diego
