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How stupid can I be? He set his terms from day one. He said this couldn’t be serious. He never offered me anything real, and here I am angsting over the dude anyway. He wasn’t even supposed to see me more than once. Why oh why did I go and seduce him that second time? I made everything infinitely harder by not letting him leave that night.
I look at my phone, but of course there’s no message. He’s not going to reach out. He’s made that perfectly clear. I can’t even be mad at him for this. He set firm boundaries from the second we crossed that first line, and I am a fool for expecting anything different.
I always do this. I always let myself fall too hard for some guy who sees me as a hookup. Anyone who comes back a second time, anyone who looks at me twice, anyone who gives me more than a single night — I always end up deluding myself into believing they might actually like me.They never do. It’s never real. I’m always just convenient for them.
They’re never the one who gets hurt.
I hunch forward and put my head in my hands as the bus rumbles northward.
This always leads to the same thing. Heartbreak. I don’t know why I ever expected anything else.
Chapter Sixteen
Luke
“AND DON’T FORGET THOSE proofs,” I shout after the retreating backs of my students.
I don’t know if any of them hear me over the scrape of chairs pushing away from desks and excited chatter of students fleeing school at the end of the day on a Friday, but I have to try. Maybe some of them will do the homework. Hopefully before Monday morning, if I’m really lucky.
I sigh and sink into my desk chair. Teenagers. You can only plead with them so much. In the end, they’re going to do what they want to do, and overall, they’re good kids. I can’t blame them for getting antsy during their final couple weeks of school.
We’ve edged into June. Next week will be the beginning of the end for this school year. As I settle at mydesk, I tidy a pile of tests and tuck in to grade them. I’d rather do it here than spend my weekend on it, and it’ll be easier to focus in my classroom than at home. Even with no one else with me, not so much as a pet to distract me, I know my mind will drift once I leave this building.
The halls quiet as I work my way through the stack of tests. For all the kids’ grumbling, most of the scores are pretty good. I’m trying to get them ready for all the testing that takes place at the end of the school year, and I’m pleased to say most of them are on track to perform well. I let a sliver of pride trickle in as I go through the tests. Whatever tiny influence I’ve been able to have in these kids’ lives, it’s kind of actually working. They’re learning. They’re doing well. They might leave this school year with some solid math skills.
A knock at the door to the classroom interrupts my grading. I blink bleary eyes as I look up to find Virginia standing in the open doorway, her hand against the frame.
“Hey, Luke. Do you mind if I interrupt for a moment?”
It would make no difference if I did. She’s the principal. I wave to the seat beside my desk. It’s usually for students, but Virginia takes it without objection, sitting sideways so she can face me.
“So, how have things been going?” she says.
She hasn’t checked in since the field trip, so I use the opportunity to tell her that that it went well. It’s only beena couple days since the trip, but I don’t anticipate her needing a lengthy report about it or anything.
“And the kids were good?” she says. “They were receptive? Even our troublemakers?”
“Seemed like it. Though…”
Virginia’s attention sharpens, and I regret that little addition, but there’s no going back now. She isn’t going to let the matter drop so easily.
“There were some comments on the bus,” I say. “On the way home. I overheard some chuckling. Nothing serious. ‘That’s gay. That’s gross.’ That sort of thing.”
Virginia heaves a sigh despite the way I downplay the comments. “Maybe we need to take some kind of disciplinary action after all. The year is nearly up, but we can’t have them thinking we’re going to let all of this slide. I’ll think on it over the weekend.”
I nod. I really don’t want to get too involved in that kind of thing, especially if it might include contacting parents and stuff, but I might have no choice. I am their teacher, and I’m the one who directly witnessed both incidents. It’s likely I won’t worm my way out of this.
“Well, that aside,” Virginia continues, “I actually came here for a different reason.”
Suspicion tightens my gut. It’s almost the end of the school year. We should be coasting toward summer break. What could she possibly need from me now that we’ve more or less settled this whole field trip thing?
“So you know we have some Pride displays and stuff that we’re planning,” she says.
Oh shit. Oh no.
My stomach curls in on itself. My whole body braces like she might throw a punch at me. When she continues speaking, I wish she had taken a swing instead of striking my psyche.
“We could use a little help, and I was thinking of volunteering you,” she says.
