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No one here cares. Can’t you see that, Luke? So why do you care so damn much?
Would any of his students actually think anything of it if he came out? They aren’t giving me and Henry and Chloe any weird looks. Sure, we aren’t their teachers, but these kids grew up differently than Luke and even I did.
I drag my eyes away and try not to sigh. I shouldn’t stare too long. If he catches me doing it, it’ll make this day even worse for him.
Henry nudges my shoulder with his. We stand behind the coffee bar, prepared to take drink and snack orders in a little bit, so he can speak quietly without interrupting Chloe’s lecture.
“Hey, you alright?”
Henry truly is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I should have known he’d pick up on my mood even in the midst of all this chaos. He’s a bittooself-sacrificing and sweet, in all honesty. I would worry that he lets people walk all over him, but now that he’s got his fiancé Alex, I don’t stress over it the way I used to.
The words threaten to spill out of me. I want to tell him I’m not alright. I want to tell him everything about me and Luke. I promised Luke I wouldn’t say anything to anyone, but there’s no one safer to confess to than Henry. If I had told him before this stupid field trip happened, he would have had my back, even while keeping Luke’s secret. But I’ve already delayed too long. The time for confessions has passed.
“I’m okay,” I say instead.
“You sure? If you need to go, I can handle this.”
“I am not abandoning you with two dozen teenagers, Henry. Stop it.”
See? Way too self-sacrificing.
“Okay, well, just let me know,” Henry says. “Seriously, you look…”
I don’t want him to finish that sentence. If he sayssomething like “lovesick” I might lose whatever composure I have left. I amnotlovesick over Luke. I simply want him to stop acting so weird. I know he can loosen up. We spent an entire night cuddling, and it felt way too natural and normal to be a fluke. He likes that stuff, whether he’ll admit it or not, but this is neither the time nor the place to get him to confess.
“I’mfine,” I say. “Relax, okay? It’s just a long, busy day.”
Henry lets the matter drop, and I try to turn my attention back to Chloe. She’s taking questions from the kids, and surprisingly, there are more than a couple raised hands. The questions aren’t even sarcastic, which is an accomplishment for teenagers. It seems like most of these kids are genuinely here to learn, or at least to make it seem like they’re here to learn.
Everything is going completely fine, and I start to feel like Luke and I are going to make it through the day without any disasters. The cats are even creeping back out of their hidey-holes. A few of the bravest ones are letting the kids pet them while Chloe fields the final few questions.
Henry and I get ready behind the coffee bar. The kids are expecting to get snacks and stuff after patiently enduring the lecture part of their trip. Life is about to get hectic again.
Sure enough, the moment Chloe says, “Thanks for listening,” the kids are up on their feet and eyeing thesnacks. The school paid for some pastries and baked goods for the class, but the kids are free to buy more if they want to. Henry and I swiftly fall back into the rhythm of making drinks and packaging up treats. I should hate it; I’ve been at it since the sun rose, and I’m dead on my feet. But I find I don’t actually mind. It’s better than the stillness, better than those long moments of quiet when I had time to look for Luke, to worry about how he was reacting, to see him grinding his teeth and clenching his fists.
Even this second rush eventually ends, however, and Henry and I have to leave the bar to make sure the teens aren’t messing with the cats too much. I catch a boy trying to climb on one of the cat trees to reach a kitten who’s out of reach. Somewhere behind me, Henry is explaining that we throw the toyspastthe cats and notatthe cats.
I glance up. Stupidly, I know. But I do it anyway, and for the first time in this whole long day, I catch Luke’s eyes. The glance can’t last more than a second, but there’s a whole world in those mossy green eyes, regret and fear and longing and secrets.
He looks away. I look away. I check on the cat tree climber, but even he has settled down. Luke and I have survived this with no more than that fleeting glance. Everyone around us is either playing with the cats or using the break to get on their phones during school hours.
The next time I dare to look for Luke, I find him with Chloe. They’re chatting quietly, probably settlingsome final details or whatever. His hands are in his pockets, but his horrible teacher slacks can’t hide that his fists keep on balling up.
The danger has passed, but the tension is here to stay.
Chapter Fourteen
Luke
I SPEND MOST OF the field trip simply observing. I place myself in the back corner of the café, somewhere unobtrusive, somewhere where I can watch safely. Chloe mostly runs this show. I keep an eye on the kids while they listen to her lecture, but … they’re all being remarkably attentive. Even the ones who tend to doodle through my lectures are listening quietly to her. Maybe I should let Chloe know she missed her true calling.
My eyes stray to the three boys responsible for the graffiti on the window. They’ve stuck together throughout this, as though they might be safer in a group. The school has yet to directly confront them about the incident, preferring to give them a chance to learn in a gentler way. I cross my arms over my chest unconsciously as I watchthem listen to Chloe, but even they aren’t causing any trouble today. Either they’re nervous or contrite, but they’re on their best behavior either way.
Everything is under control, but I don’t take my eyes off my class. The risk of looking up and spotting Sebastian is far too high. I haven’t said a word to him since I stayed at his place that one night, and with each passing day my silence becomes more awkward. How dare I refuse to even look at him when he’s done absolutely everything right? He’s played by my rules no matter how obtuse. He’s dealt with my sudden shifts in boundaries. He’s given me all the space I could want or need.
I’m definitely the one making this weird.
I keep my head down anyway, watching my students and Chloe so I don’t risk meeting his eyes. He’s definitely the one handling this better. Him and Chloe and Henry have taken this all on without so much as a wince, and all of them are unapologetically and openly queer. They’re hiding nothing from my students, and the kids seem to be responding to it. They’re still listening attentively. It’s like some sort of miracle. I’ve never seen two dozen teenagers be so quiet for so long.
