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“No. Even before what he did, I could never have loved him. If I’m being honest, I didn’t even like him. I think what happened is that I was too scared to lose you. You and my father are the only stable thing in my life. He showed up and looked like a shoulder I could cry on—older, affectionate, and understanding. I got mixed up in all that. I’m not saying I gave him a reason or apologizing for his behavior, because there’s so much more that I’m not willing to share at the moment. I’m just saying that I was also wrong to marry someone I’d only known for a month.”
“If it wasn’t Mike you were referring to when you asked me about love, then who is it?”
“Someone from the past.”
“The man from Barcelona?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Zoe, you came back from there half-dead. I didn’t want to pry, and you didn’t seem willing to talk, but I knew something serious had happened. Then there was the depression, and I focused on getting you better. Nothing else mattered.”
“It’s that man, yes. I found him again. And I think I love him. That I’ve always loved him, but . . .”
“But what?”
“He may have done something very bad in the past.”
“Did you talk to him about it?”
“No. I only met him again today, for the first time since Barcelona. We’ll have lunch together tomorrow.”
“Aren’t you rushing? I mean, you’re barely out of the last relationship.”
“What if I miss this chance? What if I lose him forever?”
“But what about what you said about him doing something bad?”
“I’m not sure, Mom. In my immaturity, I judged and condemned him without even giving him a chance to defend himself.”
“Follow your intuition. You’re a sensible girl, and you’ve never given me any trouble. As for this business lunch, I’d rather you didn’t go to a restaurant. Doctors are talking on TV about the increase in cases of this new flu. They envision something worldwide. Your father even bought masks about two weeks ago. It looks like they already ran out in stores—hand sanitizer too.”
I remain silent, looking at her sadly.
“What is it, honey?”
“I can’t stop working. If this new flu thing is serious, I’m going to need to talk to you over video call only. The risk that I might get infected at some airport is huge, and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I harmed you in any way.”
She holds my hand, and my heart sinks when I realize how skinny she is. I bring her fingers to my lips and kiss them.
“Let’s not suffer in advance. For now, just take care. I would like you to wear a mask if you need to go outside.”
“That would be great. Especially looking like this.”
“How can you joke about something like that?”
“I can’t, Mom, but I can see you’re blaming yourself for what Mike did, and that’s not fair. No one can be held responsible for this cowardice but himself.”
“Neither your father nor I had any idea he was like this, or we would never have allowed him to get anywhere near you. Mike was a good guy when he was younger; I don’t know what happened.”
A short time later, she begins to doze off.
I walk to the window, but I’m not paying attention to the night outside; I’m stuck inside the memories of my wedding.
A dream that turned into a nightmare.
Being the silly girl who dreamed of lifelong love, I was joined by a depraved man who knew how to hide his other side until it was too late.
I think about what my mother said about Mike being a good guy. I doubt it. He probably hid his true self from everyone, as he did from me. No one goes to sleep good and wakes up a perverted liar. I think it takes years of practice to learn to pretend so well.
