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“What are you talking about?”
“Think about it. You team up to create a partnered proposal and once again you’re there doing twice the work to get noticed. You’re rescheduling your commitments outside of work hours. You’re bailing on Luke. I know things come up at work, trust me. I know that sometimes you get surprised with new information or tasks and you just have to power through it. But that’s not what this situation was. You both knew what you committed to, and you both knew when the deadline was.”
The confusion in Lydia’s chest began to uncoil, only to be replaced with the dreaded feeling that Ashley was right. Why were older sisters always right?
“It sounds like Jack slapped his name on a dressed-up version of your original design. Which means your design would have stood on its own merits if the leadership team had given it a proper chance. Whether he meant to or not, Jack used you. And it sounds like you’ve been letting your desire to prove yourself get confused with how you really feel about him.”
Ashley’s words stung, meaning she’d struck at some spark of truth. Lydia’s clear vision of her future dissolved a little more.
“I think you need to figure out if you ever really liked Jack, or if you just liked the idea of him.”
Lydia swallowed hard. Was that the root of her confusion? Had she only ever liked Jack in theory? Had she really let Jack use her work because of some misguided belief that they were supposed to be partners? It was too embarrassing to think about, never mind admit out loud.
“Lydia?”
“I guess I just always wanted something like what you and Kurt had,” she whispered.
Ashley spluttered. “Me and Kurt?”
“Yeah.” It felt strange saying the words, but she’d always looked up to Ashley in everything. “You two just fit from the start. You went to school together. You’re partners in work. In life. Now you’re married. It’s all worked out sort of perfectly.”
“We’re far from perfect, Lyds.”
“Please. I used to listen to the two of you sit around and discuss case law for hours.” Lydia shoved down the glob of emotion that had lodged in her throat. “I guess I put all this pressure on myself to find something like that. Someone who worked in my field. That was chasing the same career path, the same dreams. That would support me and listen to me ramble about projects for hours.”
“And you thought that person was Jack?” Ashley said.
Lydia hummed. “It sounds ridiculous now.”
“It’s not ridiculous, you’re just... I don’t know. Remember when I told you that you sometimes rush into things without thinking them all the way through?”
Lydia shook her head, the corner of her mouth twitching. “Yeah.”
“Well, I think that sort of applies here,” Ashley said. “I think you have to ask yourself what you really want out of this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jack. The proposal. Poletti’s. It sounds like you’ve been struggling for a while with figuring out your place there. Even before this whole youth center thing. What do you want?”
Lydia didn’t have to think about it long. She’d wanted to be given a fair shot at the youth center competition, but that opportunity had come and gone. The only thing she could do now was talk to Jack about it, because what she wanted more than that was a job that truly recognized her ability. Ashley was right. She’d forced herself to jump through hoops—the marathon, the partnership with Jack—just for a chance at being noticed. She’d let herself deviate too far from believing in herself and fighting for what she deserved. It was time to fix that.
Lydia had slept restlessly, her phone clutched in her hand, still hoping Luke would call or text and let her explain that she hadn’t bailed on their training schedule just to spend the evening with Jack. She’d woken to no new texts, no sign that Luke had even received her calls, and it had taken everything inside her not to bombard him with another series of messages.
If he didn’t want to talk to her now, that was fine, but he couldn’t avoid her forever. She might not have slept well, but at least she’d had time to figure out what she wanted to do about Jack and Poletti’s.
On the subway to work, she tried to build herself up for the conversation she was about to have. She might have resolved to have this talk with Jack, but that didn’t make it easy. It was one thing to think she deserved more but it was an entirely different thing to say it out loud. By the time she walked into the office, it felt like there were hot stones rattling between her ribs.
She stopped by Kirsten’s desk. “Hey, if you see Jack, could you send him my way?”
“Sure,” Kirsten said. “You okay? Sorta looks like you want to throw up.”
“I’m fine. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“Doesn’t sound like it was for a fun reason.”
Lydia mustered a smile. “Definitely not.”
“Well, I’m here if you want to talk.”
