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Khadejah
Two Weeks Later
I stared off into the distance. My life had altered so quickly in many ways. I ran from my heartache and pain but every day I woke up, the memory of my sister and my ex-fiancé was like a thorn in my side. Unwanted tears leaked from the corner of my eyes to work their way down my face. I hated myself for giving in to my tears. I’d cried so much over the past couple of weeks that I should have been cried out by now.
At any other time in my life, being on the beach would have brought me great joy. But now I watched as the frothy waves rolled in with despair in my heart. I stood high on the rugged cliff looking down. I wondered what it would be like to be free like the waves flowing out into the ocean.
I craved for a peace of mind, but images of Darren and my sister together kept swirling in my head, battering me like roaring waves that pounded the rocks below. I wondered how long my sister had been sneaking behind my back. It felt like my whole relationship with Darren had been a lie. He couldn’t have loved me to do this to me. The very foundation my trust had been built on was now destroyed.
I wrapped my arms around myself to ward off the cool autumn chill. Darren’s face emerged from my memory. I remembered the way his strong arms used to embrace me. The memory of his thick lips kissing me splashed across my brain. The memory of the feel of his muscular body against my own made me cry even harder.
I thought of the last time Darren and I made love, just before my trip. “I love you, Khadejah,” Darren grunted as he pulsed inside me. I confessed my love to him in return and my hips grinded upward to meet his downward movement. I vowed that Darren would be my first and my last. He knew he had my heart, otherwise I wouldn’t have given him my virginity when I did. I hated him so much. How long had Darren been doing the exact things with my little sister that he did with me?
Thinking about the two people I would have done anything in the world for, because I loved them just that much, made me more furious with each gulping breath I inhaled. I could never forgive or trust either of them again. I didn’t deserve what they did to me. I didn’t deserve to feel this broken and alone. They both needed to suffer the way I suffered at catching them together like that. Deep down I knew I wished that pain on no one. Good ol’ reliable me was too weak to even wish karma on the ones who broke my heart. All I could do was bury my face into my hands and wallow in my heartbreak, misery and pain. I knew my life may be infected by my misgivings. Would I be able to survive? My trust lay in tatters, can I ever trust again or trust that L word that some like to throw around? No. Not me. My trust had abandoned me where men are concerned forever.
Bitterness accompanied me like the plague. I wondered would the aching pain in my heart ever recede. I felt even more rage mounting through my system, which caused me to grind my teeth together with the thought. I gulped in a much needed deep breath and allowed the numbness to penetrate my entire being. I knew that I needed to push Darren and Kee-Kee out of my head. So I forced myself to inhale and exhale, I told myself, I must remember to just breathe. My red rimmed eyes leaked more tears, and I tried to swallow past the slippery lump that seemed to be wedged in my throat. I’m so fucking angry that it makes me weak. I know I need to woman up and pull on my big girl panties but my own blood, my own beloved kid sister has hurt me beyond measure. Even more than Darren ever could. I sniffed and brushed away my flowing tears with the back of my hand. I needed to get out of here, to do something before I implode.
