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“I guess.”
“I’m not saying it was right, what she did...but how did you guys leave things?”
“We didn’t really. She just left. She said she was sorry.”
“But you’re too mad to forgive her?”
Forgive her? Could I possibly? It wasn’t even the mistruth. Part of my misery related to who she actually was, to the fact that what had ruined everything in my life that day had undoubtedly done the same to her, and to everyone she loved. I wasn’t sure I could face her again, knowing that. “I guess I don’t know if I need to forgive her... I’m the one who took her brother from her.”
I dropped my head into my hands. That was it, I realized. Being angry at Emily just made it easier to camouflage the guilt that still haunted me.
“It was an accident. You know that.”
I didn’t answer. I’d had a version of this conversation too many times with too many people. And knowing it was an accident did nothing to lessen the guilt.
I stood, hoping to end this conversation. “I should check on the holiday dinner prep.”
“You should call her,” Wiley said, ignoring my attempt to escape. “Or go find her. I think you were really good together. She liked you too, you know.”
I sighed. “I’ll think about it. Right now I need to go make sure we’re defrosting the birds for Thursday.”
“Sure, the age-old ‘gotta defrost the turkeys’ excuse.” Wiley grinned at me and stood. “Come down and see baby Finn tomorrow, okay? He misses you.”
“You just want someone else there for Aubrey to order around.”
“Maybe.” Wiley gave me a sheepish smile, and headed for the door. “I’ll be here Thursday to pour after the big dinner, okay?”
I nodded. “Thanks.” We had about thirty guests staying for the holiday weekend, and I had no doubt the bar would be in demand.
I grabbed my stuff and followed Wiley out of the bar, stopping a second in the grand lobby to look around. The giant painting was back on the wall. Since the hunt had ended, and since Emily had left, the whole place felt different to me. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but everything was a little colder, a little less glowy and bright. Darker. Moodier.
Or maybe it was just me.
Either way, I knew it was time for me to move on, to leave the place that had served as a safe refuge for me when I’d needed one. Time to find what my life was really meant to hold.
That night I wandered the resort for hours, letting my mind run through the memories that came with each long hallway and turn of the stairs. As the hours darkened the quiet spaces around me, I heard echoes of the laughter my sister and I had shared here as kids, having no idea of the complications that would come with adulthood, the odd cocktail of sadness and glory that came with becoming an adult and accepting the torch from those who preceded you there.
Eventually I made my way to my room, and as I opened the door and stepped inside, the more recent memories of time spent here with Emily rushed back to join the others. Kasper Ridge had been my refuge and my salvation. But it had been more than that too. I’d built a family here, maybe not the kind I had always dreamed of, but the kind that rooted for me and supported me. The kind that included people who would tell me the truth when I was too stubborn or sad to see it.
Wiley’s words came back to me as I stared out the big windows toward the quiet ski mountain.“You told me who she was, not why it matters... she didn’t really lie, did she? You should call her. Or go find her...”
The resort sighed around me as wind swirled against its sturdy walls. I could stay here forever. This place would hold me and protect me—physically at least. But a refuge could become a prison, and being the one who always remained as life came and went around you wasn’t much of a life. I knew it was true, and as I soaked in the familiar comfort of my surroundings, certainty began to push resignation from its long-held place.
I needed to move on.
There was a life waiting for me outside this place.
Kasper Ridge would always be here for me.
I laid out the realizations like puzzle pieces before me, examining them as the implications of each rolled through my mind. Together, the pieces formed one more understanding, one I knew I had to acknowledge: I did need to find Emily, that was true. But I also needed to find her parents. I needed the chance to say what was in my heart, what had been holding me down like an anchor for years. I needed to apologize.
In person.
Based on Emily’s scant descriptions of her father, I didn’t have much confidence that he’d want to hear what I had to say, but maybe that didn’t matter as much as having the chance to say the words. I could only control what I did. Not how other people received my actions and words.
Plus, my aching heart reminded me, that would give me a chance to talk to Emily again too.
Along with the other pieces I’d assembled to my internal puzzle, I’d come across one right up front and it took no manipulation to see where it fit. It was Emily, and she was a piece of my heart. I’d let her leave, let her believe she’d done something we’d never get past in keeping her identity from me for so long, and I needed to tell her that wasn’t true. I’d been surprised, and the wound of my culpability in her brother’s death was raw, so any injuries near to that site were sure to hurt. It just took me a little while to see that she hadn’t reopened that wound at all. In fact, I thought she was probably the one person in the world who could help it to heal.
