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She sniffed and pressed her head to my chest again. And then, a pained voice that threatened to break, she said, “I’m glad you survived.” And then she pulled back and looked up at me, her eyes holding sympathy, and something else, something deeper. “You have to know it wasn’t your fault.”
I shook my head. I’d spent years with it. And no matter how I looked at it, it was my fault. “If I hadn’t been in that exact place at that exact time...”
She tightened her arms around me. “You can’t think like that. Millions of things happen every day, and any one of them could cause an accident. You can’t undo things, and you can’t go through life carrying around the blame for something you couldn’t have possibly prevented.”
I let her words soak in, but they were a little like applying a Band-Aid to a bullet wound. She was an unrelated third party, and it was easy for her to say those words. I’d say the same thing if our roles were reversed.
For a long time after that, we held each other, and it felt like my pain was hers in some way, like she shared the burden of that horrendous time. As if she understood it all more deeply than I’d expected. And yet, she hadn’t run. She was still there, in my arms.
Eventually, we burrowed into the covers for the night and slept. Emily stayed close, wrapped in my arms as the noise of the heater filled the room from the window.
Chapter Fifteen
When the Hole you Dig Starts to Cave
EMILY
Ilistened as Ghost’s breathing became deep and steady, nestled in the warmth of his arms against his chest. I knew that for him, the conversation we’d had before calling it a night had been an unburdening, maybe even a test. He probably thought I’d be shocked or would regard him differently after the story he told me. I wondered if he’d told other people, if they’d reacted differently.
Of course they would have to. I could guarantee myself this was the first time Archie had ever told a member of Jake’s family about the last moments of his life, face to face. And the fact Archie didn’t even know that’s what had just happened made me feel like dirt. I’d let him tell me the story, pretended I didn’t know exactly how it ended, and yet I hadn’t been able to stop him. Something deep inside me hungered for details about those last minutes and seconds of my brother’s life. Had he been afraid? Had he been hurt?
I still didn’t know the answers, but I did my best to keep my mind away from the terror I imagined must have engulfed my brother as he realized what was happening to him. I could only hope that maybe the impact had been enough to knock him out, that maybe he’d simply faded to blackness, never to awaken again.
I pushed down a sob as I imagined him, and another at the sheer tragedy of the entire event. Archie’s pain was palpable, and I knew there were few thoughts about the moments surrounding Jake’s death that he hadn’t had himself, in darker hours. I knew it was true because he was a good man, and he blamed himself.
The questions that came to me now were complicated. I didn’t wonder if I could ever forgive Archie Kasper for my brother’s death. That had already been done. But I found myself wondering if he would forgive me for listening to this story without telling him it was one I already knew intimately.
Would he ever be able to look at me again once he found out who I really was? And learned how long I’d held onto the secret?
Why was I keeping the secret, anyway?
To secure my own future. To finish the treasure hunt and get the cover story that would enable me to finally undertake the career I’d been dreaming of most of my life. But now it felt like even if I won that acclaim, it would come at Archie’s expense.
I’d dug a deep hole, I realized, one that had grown deeper without me even noticing. And now the sides were crumbling in on me. Soon, I’d suffocate with the guilt.
I needed to tell Archie. There was no question of that.
I just didn’t know when. It didn’t seem right to steal the joy of his nephew’s birth, and I couldn’t imagine telling him and then sitting in a car with him and his sister for two hours as we drove back to Kasper Ridge.
No, I’d wait. But only until we were back at the resort. And then I would tell him the truth. I had to if I ever wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror again without disgust.
Chapter Sixteen
The Baby Makes a Phone Call
ARCHIE
The snow stopped somewhere during the night, and we woke to a bright shaft of sunlight cutting across the foot of the bed. And to my phone vibrating on the table next to the bed.
“Hello?” I managed, my voice groggy as I answered my sister’s call.
“Arch, Finn wanted to say hi to his uncle.”
Joy sliced a bright line through my heart as I thought of my tiny nephew. I slid up to sitting. “How is he? How are you guys? You’re okay? Not too much pain?”
“I’m fine. Desperate to get out of here. And we’re starving.”
“Didn’t they feed you?” Emily stirred now blinking to smile up at me. My heart warmed in response.
