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Once inside my apartment, I paced some more, willing some kind of understanding to sift through the hurt and anger ricocheting around inside me.
Finally, I came to a stop in front of the window looking out our backyard. And Clara’s.
Katie was there, turning in circles on their grass and then throwing herself down dramatically and laughing. I could barely hear the tinkle of her crystal laughter from here, and it settled something inside me. I stood there for at least ten minutes, just watching her get up over and over, laughing all the while. And my anger eased.
I pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and sat down on the couch.
Why hadn’t they told me?
Did they really think I couldn’t handle it? Did they think that hockey was so goddamn important to me that I wouldn’t want to be there for my family?
I chugged the bottle as an unwanted realization dawned.
They didn’t tell me because they knew hockey was all I had. They didn’t want to do anything that might jeopardize the only thing I was good at, the only thing that kept me afloat in this life.
I slammed the bottle down and dropped my head into my hands.
Even my family believed I was nothing more than a jock.
I glanced to the little table where my books were piled for school. I had one more year ahead of me. One more year of hiding my true self, of pretending I was happy with everyone assuming I was an idiot. One more year of suspecting they were all right. And then what? I’d have some outside validation that I was, in fact, worth something more?
Fury spun up in me again and I wasn’t sure where it was coming from or what to do with it, but I suddenly realized that I didn’t want to prove anything to anyone. What was I busting my butt for? Even my own mother thought I was too one-dimensional to handle anything besides the smacking of a puck down the ice or the pounding of some other dumb jock into the wall. Why was I working so hard to prove them wrong? It wasn’t going to make a difference anyway.
I stood, crushed the bottle and went back into the yard to build the damned fence.
CHAPTER19
CLARA
YAHTZEE
Ididn’t see Sly again that weekend, except in quiet moments when I closed my eyes, reliving the night I spent in his apartment over the garage. If I laid very still and slowed my breath until it was nearly absent, my mind could almost recreate the sensations I’d experienced when he was near. I could conjure his hands on me, his hot breath on my neck, the sense that in his arms I was exactly where I fit best.
But it had been so quiet since then.
We exchanged texts here and there, and the week was busy as I began my new responsibilities at work and Sly went to the rink each day to work out ahead of the exhibition game.
I missed him. Which was stupid. It’s not like I’d had time to get used to him in the first place. And he was temporary in my life at best.
That’s what I kept telling myself.
I was getting home at regular hours now, and Violet met me at the door each afternoon when I arrived to pick up Katie. School was out, so Katie was staying next door all day. I’d planned to send her to camp, but Violet wouldn’t hear of it. Most nights, I found myself with time to make a proper dinner, and by Thursday night, I was even indulging in some weeknight socialization.
“Tell me everything,” Andie said, holding the wine I’d just handed her and seating herself at the kitchen table as I continued chopping vegetables for the salad. “The girls are watching a movie. They can’t hear anything.”
Andie’s daughter Stella and Katie were as close as Andie and I were, thanks partially to the fact we were pregnant at the same time, both suffering less than ideal marital situations. The girls were snuggled up with the couch cushions on the floor beneath a blanket in front of the TV, watching one of the four thousand Ice Age movies.
“Like...tell you what?” I asked her, though I was pretty sure exactly what she wanted to know about my one night out with my high school crush.
“Well, when he first came back and you had that dinner next door, you told me you hated him. Now you’re spending the night?”
I glanced at Katie, but she was giggling merrily with her friend. “Things were weird when we first met again. We just needed to clear a few things up.”
“Like...what?”
“Like...I don’t know. He didn’t seem impressed about my job.”
“Literally everyone on earth is impressed when they find out about your job. You’re stinking brilliant.”
