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And now I was losing her anyway. She was clearly avoiding me, and maybe that was for the best.
Part of me wished she’d never come to Kings Grove, that she could have just stayed where she was in New York, and I could have just stayed up here in my monochrome bubble. Instead, she’d jumped into the center of my world and cast her rainbow light on everything, reminding me what life could be like, that there was more than just getting through the days. Surviving.
I spent most of the next weeks with Maddie, running last minute errands for her and trying to assure her that everything would work out. The deck and plumbing were finished at the outpost, and while the retractable walls were still not functional, the forecast was good and we didn’t expect to need them for the reception. The ceremony itself was going to take place in the grove, so there wasn’t a lot of prep required there.
The night before the wedding, I’d planned to go down and pick up Dad, bring him back to walk Maddie down the aisle, but Maddie and Connor stopped by just before I was going to head down.
“I called him,” Maddie said, tears running down her cheeks. “He can’t come, Cam. They connected me to his room only after I begged. They warned me. He didn’t even know who I was. There’s no way it would be fair to bring him up here and force him into an unfamiliar situation like this just because it’s what I want. He wouldn’t understand. He’d be scared.” She turned and buried her face in Connor’s shoulder, and he held her.
My heart squeezed in my chest, and a lump rose in my throat. When I touched Maddie’s arm and said, “I know,” she turned and wrapped her arms around me, dropping her head to my shoulder.
“I miss him,” she said, crying softly. Matilda whined softly at my side and I dropped a hand to her head.
I held my little sister tight as my dog leaned her head into us. “I miss him too,” I said, hating the irony of both of us missing someone who was technically still here, but who we’d never really be with again. “I miss him too.”
Connor backed up a bit and wandered over to where the puppies were leaping and playing in the pen where they spent more time now, and as I held my sister, I saw Harper and Tuck come out to talk to him, but I stayed with my sister.
“It’s so unfair,” Maddie whispered.
“I’ll walk you down the aisle, Mads,” I said, knowing it wasn’t the same thing—I was a sorry compromise.
“That’s not what I mean.” She looked up at me then, wiping at her eyes. “For Dad. It’s just so unfair to have to live like that. To be like he is…so—“ she broke down again and I pulled her back against me.
Dad had been sick a long time, and things had been deteriorating. But we had never really talked about it beyond eventualities and monthly bills. Maybe we’d both been in denial a little bit, because the truth wasn’t easy or pretty. The truth was unjust and horrible. And now the truth was making my little sister cry, and I hated it.
“I’m so sorry, Mads.” I rubbed her back and wished I could fix things for her.
“Me too,” she said, sniffing. Then she stepped back and looked up at me. “I’m so glad I have you.”
“We have each other,” I said.
She nodded and dried her eyes. Tuck and Harper had disappeared back into the big house, and I felt disappointment weave between my skin and my bones, settling deep. After a bit, Maddie and Connor sat with me as the fire pit glowed to life and the light faded from the August sky.
“You guys ready for all this?” I asked. The wedding was the next day, and while lots of couples spent that night apart, or ran around having bachelor parties, Maddie and Connor didn’t want any of that. Though they’d arrive separately to the grove where the actual ceremony was to take place, they wanted to spend their last night unmarried together.
They looked at each other in answer to my question, a smile passing between them that made my own heart feel empty and cold. I’d been married once, but I didn’t think I’d had what Connor and Maddie clearly shared—and I wanted it.
For years now, I’d been satisfied to live alone, to accept that I’d gotten from life what it was going to offer me, to accept that maybe I was intended to be alone now. But then Harper had arrived, had woken me up to the possibility of something else. And then Matilda had shown me that there was still an abundance of love and affection inside me. And realizing how alone I still was just made the space inside me feel even more hollow and vast.
When Maddie and Connor got up to leave, I hugged my sister tight and shook Connor’s hand, and then watched them walk away together, holding hands as they disappeared into the darkness to walk home around the meadow.
I sat back down, Matilda pressed into my legs, and thought hard about the way I’d constructed my life, the aching hollow in my chest telling me I couldn’t go on this way. I missed my sister, though she’d just been here. I missed having life around me—I missed Harper. I found I missed even the shrieking howl of the mountain lion.
Chapter 18
HARPER
That last week, I was a mess.
I poured myself into work and into actively avoiding Cameron and saying my goodbyes to everyone else. There wasn’t a person I told of my plans to leave early who didn’t understand, but that didn’t make it easier.
Annie and Maddie both cried when I told them. I’d told Annie over a cup of coffee when we’d finally managed to find time to get together.
“But this was supposed to be our catch up coffee,” she’d said. “I just got you back! You can’t leave again, Harper.”
I had tried to stay upbeat. “It’s been the plan all along. It’s just happening a little sooner than I meant for it to. But maybe it’s a good thing. It’s hard enough leaving now. I can’t imagine what it’d be like if I’d stayed another three months.” It was hard enough avoiding Cam for the past few weeks.
“That’s because you’re not supposed to leave,” she said. “But I’ll be happy for you, okay? Just as soon as I’m finished feeling sorry for myself about losing you again.”
