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“You look like crap. Hey, can I get a puppy to hold?”
I lifted a shoulder. “Yeah, but don’t let it go—starting to get dark and I think that cat is still stalking over there. The rangers haven’t been able to trap it, and even if they think it’s gone, I’d be careful.”
Maddie shivered and set her beer down, standing to go get a puppy. She’d made a habit of stopping by now and then, sitting with the pups and petting them. She said it was the perfect wedding stress relief.
She returned with a fluffy tricolor dog with light brown eyes, the one I’d been calling number three, and Matilda bounced out of the house and came to sit at my side. Her haunch was healed and she’d begun to leave the pups more and more, becoming my sidekick as I worked around outside the house, and often curling up next to my bed at night now that the pups didn’t need her so much. They’d moved to solid food weeks ago, and now sought out their mother mostly for affection, though they found that in each other too.
I dropped a hand to Matilda’s side and let her warmth work through me, calming me.
“You going to keep her then?” Connor asked, nodding at the big dog. Matilda cocked her head at the question, watching him as if she knew he was talking about her.
“I really thought her owners would have shown up by now,” I said. “But yeah, I can’t imagine taking her anywhere else now. She lived through being lost or abandoned, through the mountain lion and giving birth…I feel like she’s probably best to just stay in one place, have someone nearby who’s not going to leave.”
“Aren’t you worried?” Maddie said, and she was looking at me hard across the circle of fire, the little dog squirming in her arms.
“About…?”
“Your curse?” Maddie shook her head as she said it, her voice lowering.
Connor looked back and forth between us. “Curse?”
I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about this. “Yeah,” I admitted. “A little bit. But…” I looked down at Matilda’s dark head and tried to imagine giving her away now. It would have ripped my heart out. It would have felt a lot like… like it felt watching Harper leave yesterday. “Maybe I’m ready to be a little bit selfish. I’d miss her too much.”
“Maybe loving someone isn’t selfish,” Maddie said softly, and her eyes across the fire suggested she didn’t mean Matilda.
“I think maybe it’s the most selfish thing you can do,” I countered. “Especially if you loving them changes their plans.”
Connor frowned at me, clearly missing the subtext. “What kind of plans you figure Matilda might have?” Maddie reached out and swatted his arm.
We were silent then, letting the warm night settle around us for a while, the forest whispering high above our heads as the high winds moved through the treetops.
Number three finally became too much for Maddie, and she took her back inside and then came out and sat down.
“We’ve got the plans all worked up for filming the movie,” I told her. “Tuck and I are going to get started on some of the background shots this week, at the Inn and out in the grove.”
Maddie grinned. “Can I come with?”
Connor took her hand and leaned forward to kiss it. “Let them do their jobs,” he suggested. “You’re adorable, but you’re bossy. Cam knows what he’s doing.”
I did, and it felt good to acknowledge it. “Tuck is one of the best cameramen I’ve ever worked with,” I assured her. “And you’ll be surprised how well Harper put the scenes together.” I’d been surprised, at least. She had a real knack for the way a film should flow and move to tell a story. One more talent. One more thing to admire about her.
“When she gets back are you finally going to do something about all this?” Maddie asked.
“Yeah, we’re going to get started making the movie. I just said that.” I scowled, hoping she’d leave it at that and let me ignore what she really meant.
She frowned at me, but she let it go.
A little while later, Connor and Maddie rose and said goodnight.
“Think about things,” Maddie suggested as I hugged her close. “Think about what really matters to you, Cam. And fight for it.”
I shook my head into her thick hair, a rush of conflicting emotions choking me up unexpectedly. “I’ll try,” I told her.
“Good night, brother.” Connor slapped my hand and we shook, and then I watched them walk slowly away, Matilda standing at my side.
“Come on girl,” I said. “Let’s go in.” I had to bring the pups out to the pen once more that night before we could all settle in, and once everyone was ready, I turned out the lights and got into bed. I didn’t feel happy, but my life—with the dogs and the big house occupied—felt much more real than it had a few months ago. I’d been mostly a ghost, I realized. And the thing about floating through life as a ghost was that while it was definitely devoid of any real pain, it was also absent of joy. Feeling one seemed to mean feeling the other, and I wondered, now that I felt both, if I’d ever go back.
* * *
