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Standing outside the door to her room, hearing the distant notes of the carolers in the cold night beyond her windows, my heart hammered and a slick of sweat coated my palms. It wasn't just April's future I wanted to show her. It was my own as well.
I took a deep breath, wiped my hands down the thighs of my jeans and knocked. "Now or never, Whitewood," I muttered beneath my breath.
When the door swung open, April stood inside, her beautiful face flushed and her eyes shining with tears. Her hair was down loose over her shoulders, and she wore a soft white sweater that my hands longed to touch. She was flushed and gorgeous, and for a long second, I forgot everything but her and how desperately I needed her in my life, at my side, holding my hand.
"Future?" Her voice was almost a whisper, and for a second her word confused me, spun my brain off track even more than it already was.
Future yes. God, that was what I wanted with her.
"Yes," I said, "I'm the ghost of Christmas future. Can I come in for a minute?"
She looked uncertain, but stepped back, making room for me to step in and shut the door. God, I wanted to touch her. She looked so innocent and young, standing there with her eyes wide, her chest heaving slightly. I wanted to lay my hand along her cheek and pull her to me, bury my face in her hair and tell her it would be all right, I’d never let her go again. But I hadn't earned that right yet.
"Did you want to sit down?" April asked me, and then she looked quizzically at the snow falling on her television screen. "Or, do we need the TV?"
I shook my head. "No, there's no multimedia presentation for this one. Just me."
"Okay," she said, and she waved me over to the armchairs, sinking into one and folding her hands across her knees.
I wasn't sure I could sit and say what I needed to say, but I took a steadying breath and sank into the cushioned seat, trying to remember where I needed to begin.
"April," I started, feeling already like nothing I could say would be adequate to explain myself. But I had to try. "I owe you an apology first of all."
She was shaking her head slowly, and she leaned forward suddenly, interrupting me. "I should have told you about the contract!"
I couldn't do this. I couldn't sit here three feet away from her. I needed to touch her, if she'd let me. I stood, and moved to where she sat, her glowing eyes following my every move. I sank to his knees before her, taking her hands in mine. "Don't interrupt, okay? I have a lot I need to say."
She sighed and nodded, letting me hold her soft hands in mine on her knees.
My ankle screamed in protest at the position on the floor, but I refused to pay attention to it tonight, almost feeling like I deserved the pain, and the sharp edge of it kept me alert, thinking straight. "When my lawyer called about that second contract, I jumped to conclusions. I assumed things about you, about your intentions, about your character—things that, if I'd given myself a little more time to think about them, I already knew weren't true. I'm sorry about that, and I'm sorry I didn't give you the chance to explain."
April nodded, but she kept her promise and didn't interrupt, her raspberry colored lips pressed together beneath wide eyes.
"It was only because in the past, with other people who have been in my life, it wouldn't have been a leap to assume they intended the worst. They usually did. I came here, to Singletree, in part because I wanted to get away from everyone in that life. And I didn't trust anyone new as a result. Or more accurately, maybe, I didn't trust myself to be a good judge of people. I figured I'd come here, be an uncle to my nieces, be a support to my brother if I could, and die quietly and alone."
A visible shiver went through April as I said that, and a little blossom of hope opened up in my gut.
"And before I got my head on straight, there you were," I continued, remembering the way April had bustled into my house, bossy and beautiful. "And I didn't know it at the time, but you saved me."
"Saved you?" April asked, scooting forward in the chair and then sliding out of it, joining me on the floor so we were kneeling face to face, our hands linked in the middle.
"Yeah." My heart was galloping in my chest, both with April's proximity and with the next words I wanted to say. "The future I'd imagined for myself was going to be empty. I thought it was what I wanted, maybe what I needed to ensure no one could hurt me again, no one could use me. But you showed up, and suddenly I saw a different future. One with kisses in the back of Santa's sleigh, one with cats in ridiculous little wheelchairs and a town full of people so insane they change the name of the place to match the season." April was nodding slowly. "I saw mornings lazing around in bed with you tangled up in my arms and nights filled with the sounds you make when I touch you. And I saw my nieces dancing through my house smiling and laughing, even though they've been through hell, and my brother having a place to relax and hand over the reins for a while. I saw a family I'd never really imagined."
Tears were welling in April's eyes and as I took a breath, one spilled over the edge of her lashes, and I wiped it away with a thumb.
"I saw a house filled with love in a place I had never even considered before. A woman I want to spend my days and nights with, and a future filled with people I trust and cherish, and love so much it hurts." I stopped, worried maybe I’d gone too far.
The tears were flowing down April's face as she stared at me, and her bottom lip was quivering. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to kiss that full perfect lip.
Soft strains of “Silent Night” were coming in through the cracked window beyond where we knelt on the floor, and it felt as if everything in the world had frozen still, waiting for a response from April.
"Can I talk now?" April asked, and I laughed, thankful for the break in the tension.
"Yeah, sorry."
She sniffled and pulled a hand free to wipe her face. Then she cupped my jaw, leaned forward slightly, and pressed her lips to mine softly.
I forced myself to stay still, to kiss her back softly, but not to give into the wild urge to pull her into my arms and never let her go. The tentative kiss was a tease, but I pushed my desire down as far as I could. There were still things to be said. And goodbye was still a possibility, but God, I hoped she wouldn't say it.
