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He secretly threw his arms in the air and celebrated. Not that he didn’t want her to find happiness; he just didn’t want her to find it with anyone else. “Shame.”
“Also…” She toyed with the hem of her shirt then blinked up, meeting his eyes. “Since my night freed up, I thought… I mean. I used you for sex. I figure I could return the favor.”
Did she really think that’s what he wanted? It was the last thing he wanted. What they shared went beyond any sort of friends with benefits arrangement. The freaking skies parted, and the angels sang while riding unicorns—that’s how amazing the sex was. Having sex with her again would only farther complicate things. “I don’t want to use you, Harp.”
“Why not? You’re stressed out, and don’t tell me you’re not. I can see it in your face, in the tense way you’ve been holding your shoulders.” She got on her knees and crawled to the edge of the bed. He swallowed when he realized all she was wearing was a tiny thong and a white cropped top with no bra. Her nipples pebbled beneath the material, leaving little to the imagination.
She looked like the bright light in his life she’d always been—abeautiful sun goddess who helped wash away the darkness. Even battered and broken in a hospital bed after his accident, all she had to do was smile at him, and every horrible thought that was running rampant in his mind would settle and dissipate.
“Not tonight,” he said, his voice defeated and weak.
She reached out, taking his hand, and he closed his eyes against the onslaught of desires forcing their way to the surface. After years of putting everyone first, she was finally making strides in her business and her life. He would not get in the way of that.
Harper said it was just sex, but he wasn’t stupid. She wanted a forever romance, and by letting her into his bed, he was keeping her from finding what she wanted most in life.
He loved her, and he always would, but he wasn’t the man of her dreams. If he was, she would have noticed him sooner. There was a reason they were best friends and nothing more. The thought of her with another guy set his teeth on edge.
It was why he couldn’t continue a no-strings arrangement. He refused to be her side piece, the guy she used when she couldn’t get what she was looking for elsewhere. If he couldn’t be her main choice, then he didn’t want to be a choice at all.
She blinked up at him, familiar eyes filled with lust and compassion. “Don’t kick me out.”
He drew his hand away from her. “What are we doing?”
“I’m trying to seduce you, but obviously I’m failing.” Her head dropped, and she scooted to the edge of the bed, wrapping her arms around her body.
Defeated, he plopped down beside her. “You weren’t failing. I’m being stubborn.” He nudged her with his shoulder. “You know how good I am at that.”
“Too good.” There was a hint of humor in her tone, but disappointment overshadowed it.
He motioned his hand between them. “I don’t want us to become this. I feel like it cheapens what we’ve always had.”
“Then what do you want? For us to go back to the way things were?”
“I don’t know if we can.” He’d seen her naked, touched the soft skin on her inner thighs, tasted every inch of her body. How could they go back to just being friends after that? Every time he looked at her, he was reminded of all the ways she moaned, how his name fell from her lips as she succumbed to her orgasm. The reckless abandon in that moment and how her body tightened around him in every way.
“What does that even mean?”
He ran a hand over his face and inhaled deeply. “I don’t know.” He didn’t have an answer, all he knew was that sex between them couldn’t work. He was wired in the way he needed to be in order to not get too deep. Hell, he was already too deep.
She nodded in understanding anyway and stood up. “Okay.” She didn’t make eye contact with him as she headed for the door.
It literally hurt to watch her walk away. “Harp?”
She turned back, eyes filled with hope, lust, and everything he’d ever wanted. He went to her, snaking his hand around her waist and pulling her to him. Her hands landed on his chest, and she blinked up at him.
“I want more,” he said.
“More what?”
“More than friends with benefits. I want it to be all in. All or nothing.”
She tapped her hand against his pec, her fingers curled into themselves, and she gripped his shirt. Her chest rose and fell as she met his eyes. “You’re the one good thing in my life. If we do this, really go for it… What if it ends badly? What if we wind up hating each other?”
He tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. “I can never hate you.”
“But what if you do? What if being with me is totally different than being my best friend? I can’t go through life without you, and maybe I’m selfish, but I don’t want to risk it.”
“That’s not selfish. If anyone is selfish, it’s me. All I want is you, and I don’t care about what that means for the future when I just want you in my bed and no one else’s. I want it to be all or nothing because I can’t bear the thought of you being with another guy.”
