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2
ELISSA
As soon as I step foot in the house I call out for my mom, waiting to see her since the second I found out I’m pregnant. She feels like my safety, my home and my comfort, needing to tell her more than anything.
“Elissa!” she calls out, beaming when she sees me, this being the first holiday we’ve ever spent apart. “How was Arizona? How are Nick’s parents?” I hear her questions, but nothing leaves my mouth, only the strangled sob I’ve been holding in for the last few days.
“Mom,” I cry, nearly running to her and knocking her over as I throw my arms around her, sobbing against her shoulder. She has no idea what’s happening, but she doesn’t say a word, just holds me.
I have no idea how long we stand like this, my heart slamming against my chest, my eyes stinging with the burn of tears, but when we finally part, my mom’s eyes are filled with tears.
“What happened?” she now asks, her words quiet, a hesitation in her question. “Did you and Nick break up?”
I shake my head, wanting to unload everything on her, but it stays stuck, afraid to say any of it out loud.
“Then what happened?” she asks, thinking that Nick and I breaking up a second time would be the worst possible thing that could happen. She has no idea what I’m about to tell her, and how it will change all of our lives, Nick included. Really Nick more than anyone.
He wants to go back to the US team and have a future that has us traveling the world together. No one wants to travel the world with a baby in tow. I can’t even imagine doing this without my mom so the idea of leaving her isn’t something I can even comprehend now.
But ruining Nick’s future is not something I want to do either.
Standing here, staring at my mom, her eyes filled with tears, the panic on her face mirroring mine, I tell her, admitting out loud for the first time the news I’ve kept to myself. It’s news that I never thought I would be saying and even when it leaves my mouth, it feels fake.
“I’m pregnant.”
It echoes in the quiet stillness of the room, and even though I whispered it, afraid to say it too loudly, it feels like I screamed it.
“Oh, Elissa,” my mom whispers, pulling me in for a hug, holding me tightly as the tears spill from my eyes. This is not how my life is supposed to be. I’m supposed to travel with Nick, and he’s supposed to live out his dream of skiing.
I know what my mom is thinking too. I’m repeating what she did, something she always said she wished would never happen. She didn’t want me to be a single parent, and while she never said it was a mistake having me or that she regrets having me, it did hold her back from things like going to college. Sometimes I’m the one who regrets the things she missed out on.
“What did Nick say?” she now asks, walking us over to the couch to sit down. She takes my hand in hers and lets out a hard sigh.
“I didn’t tell him,” I admit, feeling the threat of tears sting my eyes again. I hate keeping this from him, but I never want to be the reason he has to give up on his dream. I know what it feels like to lose something you’ve worked so hard for, and I don’t ever want that for him.
“Elissa,” my mom spits out, not meaning for it to come out in a way that feels shameful, but holy shit it does. I get that it sounds so awful that I haven’t told him, but he has that meeting with his coach coming up and I don’t want him making decisions based on emotions.
“I can’t tell him, Mom, at least not right now. He has a meeting with his coach coming up and all he’s ever wanted is to get back on the team. I’m not going to be the one to keep him from that.” It all comes out in a rush, almost like I’m trying to convince myself that keeping it from him is the right thing to do.
“You need to tell him. He needs to know the truth so he can make the decision on what the right thing to do is. You don’t get to make that decision for him, Elissa,” my mom says, her words firm, and I know she’s right.
“Mom, what if I ruin everything? What if he leaves and never comes back? I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t even know how it happened,” I cry, my mind a mess of thoughts that I can’t bring myself to say out loud.
Losing Nick again might be the thing that finally does me in. Losing him last time was hard, but things are different now. We’re older and when he came home, it felt like fate, like the world was telling us we are meant to be together.
My mom smiles, letting out a small laugh. “Maybe that’s my fault,” she says, laughing a little more. “Did we not have enough discussions about how babies are made?”
“Mom!” I shriek, not seeing the humor in any of this. “It’s not a time for you to be joking. My life is a mess right now.”
She shakes her head, giving my hand a squeeze. “But is it really? You have a good job and a place to live, and whether or not Nick decides to go back to training for the Olympics, he’s not the kind of guy who will just disappear. Elissa, people travel for work all the time and have families. I think you’re underestimating how much Nick loves you.”
“But Mom,” I start, swallowing hard, the worry nearly consuming me, “what if he stays and regrets it?”
It’s my biggest fear in all of this. The what-ifs consume me, the constant worry that if I tell Nick, he will decide to stay, giving up everything he’s worked so hard for. This isn’t just a job, it’s a lifestyle, it’s Nick’s entire life. He’s spent years getting to this point, and I could derail the whole thing with a few simple words.
“It’s possible, but what if you don’t tell him and he finds out he has a kid from Max or Alex? Can you imagine how hurt he’s going to be? I can’t let you do that.” My mom pauses, taking in a hard breath. “Listen, your dad had no interest in having a kid, and I knew that, but I still told him. I left it up to him to make the decision. I was having you regardless of what he decided, but I knew he needed to know. Nick needs to know, Elissa.”
Every time she says my name it feels like I’m back to being ten years old and I’ve done something I wasn’t supposed to do. It hurts to hear what she has to say, but I came to her first because I knew she would be the voice of reason.
