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"Loris had big feelings, big ideas, his entire life," I say, shifting to face Taegan. "He never looked at anything in the micro, you know? It was all big picture." I scratch my chin, blinking rapidly to hide tears. "What I mean is, he loved you enough to know that you could continue his plans. That you could be the solution to the problem we're dealing with. So he determined it was more important for him to do something big since he had you to back him up."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"To us,"I say with a dry laugh. "You and I love with our whole beings. I saw it in you every day. For us, there is nothing more important than the love we share with someone. But someone like Loris?" I pull a knee to my chest. "Fuck, I don't know Taegan. I'm trying to come up with a rationalization. With any reason why he could've left you like this. And man, none of it makes sense to me." I choke out a sob, my body refusing to contain my grief anymore. It spills from me like a plague.
"There was so much blood, Zeph."
I still see the deep, dark red snake that soaked my shoes when I close my eyes. The memory of blood speckled on his lips and chin is seared behind my eyes, the words he spoke tattooed on my soul.
"Taegan, Viola Mistflow is here in the city," I say with no preamble, Loris' belief in the gruff woman echoing in my ears.
He sits up, the blanket falling from his bare chest. "She came?"
"Himureal has her locked up in the prison. We've got to get her out." I haul myself off the bed to fetch Taegan a glass of water. He takes a sip from the glass and looks at me expectantly. I ruffle my hair and look at the ground. "Loris was right, Taegan. She's a God."
"Of course he was right," Taegan says with a sad smile. "Gods, he'd be insufferable."
"There's more," I say, looking anywhere but at the Helios. "I uh… I'm her high priest."
He coughs on the water he is sipping on. "I'm sorry, repeat that?"
"I'm her high priest." Fuck, it still doesn't feel real. I meet his red-rimmed, curious eyes. "The obsession, the love, the devotion? It was my draw as her high priest. It wasn't real love." I choke on the words.
It felt like real love.
Right?
I've never been in love before, so how would I know?
Is that what that was?
That pain?
That loss of her so acute, that feeling for her so great that it caused physical pain?
Or was it the Godly tether between us, strained from the way she felt towards me, how close she was to rejecting me?
I've never felt pain like I did when she rejected me. It felt like my entire being was splintered. But I've felt smaller versions of that since she left Ytopie, haven't I? That searing pain in my chest, the ache that only lessened when I started to work with Loris and Taegan on a plan to gain supporters for Viola.
I don't know how I didn't see it. I've read so much about high priests, their draws, and how they act when rejected. When I saw Viola with Mace, the idea of being rejected for him sent me spiraling. It's no excuse for what I did, but is it possible that maybe I can be forgiven?
"How does this change Loris' plan?" Taegan asks, jarring me from my spiraling thoughts.
"I'm not sure," I answer honestly. "If anything, itmakes getting her followers and devotion even more important. As her high priest, I can act as a conduit for that devotion and help focus it for more strength."
"What does that mean for Himureal?"
"As far as I know, Himureal does not have a true high priest out there. The devotion of his followers can still strengthen him, but it's not as strong without a high priest to gather and transfer it to him. That puts Viola at an advantage because she has me. But…" I trail off, looking around the room.
"But?" Taegan prompts.
"But she doesn't want me, Tae. She rejected me just because she could. She reinstated the draw but told me she wants nothing to do with me."
Taegan flops backward on the bed, hitting his head on the wall behind him and wincing. "Let me talk to her," he whispers. "Let me tell her about Loris."
"How would that help?"
"She knows Loris, right? She knows he's thought she's a God from day one?" I nod my agreement. "And she also knows what kind of God Himureal is, especially now that she's locked up. If she hears what Loris believed, what he sacrificed for her, maybe she'll come around?"
