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Not “mine.”
Mom frowns, and she looks older than I’ve ever seen her. “How are you doing?”
“I’m great,” I claim with fake cheer. “Couldn’t be better.”
“It would be normal if you were having some doubts.”
“Doubts about what?” I shrug. “I picked a wonderful couple for this baby. She’s going to have a great life.”
That’s what I’ve been telling myself, at least. At night, when the doubts creep in and I consider running like mad and starting over, just me and the little jumping bean in my belly, I tell myself that she’ll be happier with Arsen and his wife. In his world.
Mom reaches for my hand. “Laila, I’m worried you’re?—”
“Your hands are cold.” I drop her hand and pull her blanket up to her shoulders. “Why don’t you nap for a bit?”
I can tell she wants to argue, but she really is tired. If I didn’t know the cause, I’d be grateful for the quick eject from this conversation. As it is, she naps more than she’s awake these days, and I know our time is running out.
I settle her in bed. By the time I turn off the lights, her eyes are already slipping closed. I make my way through the quiet house and straight out the backdoor.
There’s a tree along the back fence with branches that stretch across most of the lawn. It’s quickly become my favorite part of my new home.
I used to settle cross-legged against the trunk, but that’s out of the question these days. If I get all the way to the ground, there’s zero chance I’m getting back up. Instead, I sit on a bench Dominik had brought in for me and stare at the house I earned at the cost of my child.
I told my mom I was putting the baby up for adoption because it felt like a half-truth, but the closer I get to my due date, the more I have to reckon with the rest of it.
I’m not giving my baby up for adoption—I’m selling my child.
Maybe I’ve been too hard on my dad all these years. Sure, he abandoned me and Mom when shit got hard, but I’m not exactly in the running for any parenting trophies, either.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Dominik appears out of nowhere, the way he always does. I swear he lurks in the lower branches of the trees, waiting to drop silently down next to me.
“You’re gonna have to cough up more than a penny if you wanna hear my thoughts.”
He reaches behind his back. “How about a?—”
“If it’s another present from him, don’t bother,” I snap. “I’m not interested.”
“It’s a cupcake. And it’s not from Arsen; it’s from Nina’s Deli.” He waves the strawberry cupcake under my nose. “I also happen to know it’s your favorite flavor.”
I snatch it out of his hand. “Thanks, Dom.”
He lets me enjoy one singular bite before diving into my sad state of affairs. “How was your mom’s appointment today?”
“There’s nothing more the doctors can do for her.” I practiced saying it in the mirror earlier, but tears still fill my eyes. I rub them away angrily.
“They really said that?”
“According to the fancy doctors Arsen claimed were the ‘best in the country,’ the most anyone can do now is keep her comfortable.” The cupcake, so sweet at first, now tastes like sand in my mouth, and I drop it into my lap. “It’s only a matter of time.”
Dominik exhales softly. “I’m so damn sorry, Laila.”
“It’s a weird feeling, knowing I’ll be all alone soon.” I thread my fingers together, and my hands are cold now just like Mom’s were. “My dad is a waste of space, my mom will be gone in six to eight months, and even my baby will—” I clear my throat and rephrase. “He’ll take his baby, and it’ll just be me.”
Dominik opens his mouth, but I stop him.
“Don’t. Lying makes it worse.”
We lapse into a long, easy silence. I was resistant at first, but Dominik really has become a friend. I don’t say it, but I’ll miss him, too.
