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“About what?”
There are a million questions swirling around in my head.Why did this have to happen to you? How can I make it stop? What am I going to do when you’re gone?
I feel the clock ticking, the time I have with my mom running out faster and faster. If I have questions, I better ask them now.
“Why did you never remarry?” I ask. “I don’t remember you ever going out on a date. Did you keep it secret from me or?—”
Mom’s nose wrinkles. “I wasn’t interested in dating after the divorce.”
“But didn’t you get lonely?”
“Of course not.” She pinches my cheek. “I had you.”
“It’s not the same, Mom.”
I should know. In the days after Nina was born, I knew I loved her wholly. But it didn’t stop me wanting Arsen, too.
She sighs and her hands fold in her lap. “I know it’s not. But I experienced love once. That was enough for me.”
My heart splinters for her. “Don’t tell me Charles was your one love.”
“The Charles you knew and the Charles I did were similar. They overlapped. But they weren’t always the same. Does that make sense?” She purses her lips thoughtfully. “He was different when he was young. I guess I was, too. Young and naïve. But whatever he may or may not have felt for me,Igenuinely loved him.”
“Even when he left us?”
“I never felt like that was really him. For years after he left, I kept waiting for the man I knew to return. Charles may not have been perfect, but I was happy with him for a while. He made me feel safe.”
“But when we really needed him, he left,” I remind her. “It was an illusion.”
“It’s all an illusion, honey. No one can keep us safe all the time. It’s not possible. But having someone to share your life with makes everything easier. Look at you and Arsen.”
All at once, the image shifts. I’ve been looking at my parents’ relationship from the outside in for years—but when she says it like that, suddenly, I can put myself in my mom’s shoes.
The things I feel for Arsen are bigger than I ever imagined possible. I know he’s not perfect, and yet the thought of being with another man one day, whatever the circumstances, just does not compute.
I blow out a harsh breath. “I’ve been a judgmental bitch.”
She pats my knees. “I know, but I love you all the same.”
“Hey!”
Mom laughs and wraps a frail arm around me. “None of us are perfect, Laila. The trick is to find the person who sees all your flaws and loves you anyway. That’s when I knew that it would never work between me and your father. He saw my flaws—my scars—and he bolted.”
“He never deserved you, Mom.”
She winks at me. “He didn’t deserve you, either.”
The moment Nina is asleep, the emotions I managed to hold back all day come rushing out of me. I flip through the pictures again and again until I’m crying so hard I can barely see. I don’t even hear Arsen come in until he’s kneeling in front of me.
I jolt in surprise, but his hands steady me in long, soothing strokes up my thighs. “What happened?”
I manage to tilt one of the pictures towards him before a fresh wave of tears surges through me, and I’m sobbing too hard to speak.
“Roza.” He pulls me into his lap, cradling me against his chest.
“It’s coming too soon,” I hiccup.
“When it’s someone you love, it’s always too soon.”
