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“There you go,” I whisper, bouncing her gently. “Look at us. We did it.”
She’s staring up at me like she’s too confused to be sad.
“If you’d been with her from the beginning,” Polina butts in, “she’d already recognize your smell and your voice.”
“Are you trying to make me feel bad?”
“Do I need to?”
We both know the answer to that.
I drop into the rocking chair while Polina takes the window seat. I stare down at my daughter, running a finger along the apple of her cheek.
It feels like the first time I’ve really looked at her. The first time, fear was clouding my vision. Now, I see clearly.
She’s fucking perfect.
“I’m sorry, little one,” I whisper. “I’ve been a sorry excuse for a dad so far. But that’s going to change. I’m going to be there—for you and your mother. I promise.”
She doesn’t so much as blink as she stares up at me. It’s a beautiful moment. Her eyes, wide and clear. Her skin so pure and velvet soft.
Then she lets out a loud, piercing cry.
I sigh. “That’s the most succinct way a woman has ever told me she doesn’t believe my bullshit.”
Polina snorts with laughter and passes me the bottle I already warmed. “That’s her hungry cry.”
“Ah.” This time, when I offer it to her, she accepts it without a fuss. “How did you know that?”
“You spend enough time with her, you start to understand. If you stick around, that is.”
“I plan to.”
Polina meets my gaze. Her lips are pressed tightly together. “This is one promise you can’t afford to break, Arsen.”
“I know that,” I acknowledge, gazing down at my daughter. “It’s too important. I just… I got spooked. I never thought I’d be a father and suddenly, someone put this baby in my arms and Laila was calling her Nina Marie and it just… It all became so real. I wasn’t the man they needed. I’m still not.”
“Yeremy made youpakhan; he didn’t make you a man. That honor belongs to your parents. Don’t forget the parts of you that belonged to them.”
“I’ll do better from now on.”
“I believe you.” She gets to her feet. “Or at least, I’d like to. But I’m going back to bed. If you need anything?—”
“I won’t.”
Her smile warms as her eyes flit from me to Nina. “Let’s hope not. It looks like you’ve got everything you need right there.”
She slips out of the room, and I spend a few silent, blissful minutes watching my daughter drink herself to sleep. I’m nodding off myself when the flash of my lockscreen snaps me out of my stupor.
Balancing her carefully with one arm, I grab my phone and read the name on my screen.Jasper.I’m tempted to flick the text away, but there’s only one reason why Jasper would text at this time of the night.
JASPER:hey bro, just wan8#ted to chock in82## haven’t heard frum you in&92 days
The desperation is etched into every typo, every misspelled word. He wants to know if he’s been forgotten.
ARSEN:I’ve been busy with my family.
JASPER:& me^&# I am fam*$ily too. I fused to b32
