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I stiffen. “You did?”
“Sure as hell did. The only reason I came back was because Arsen told me he was bringing you home.”
Suddenly, my eyes and throat are all scratchy. “He never mentioned that to me.”
“You’d have to be talking to him for him to mention anything to you,” she points out gently.
“We talk. Er…hetalks, I guess. Last night, he told me about his father.”
A small jar of jam tumbles to the table, making us both jump. Polina rights it and then presses a hand to her chest. “He did?”
“Yeah, and I thought it was a pretty big deal even before you reacted like that.”
“He never talks about his father.” Polina is squinting at me as my daughter tugs on her tight bun. Nina has almost got the thing unbound, and Polina doesn’t even realize.
“He wanted me to understand why he sent me away—why he pushed me away after Dominik got hurt.”
“I hope you understand why I felt it wasn’t my place to tell you,” she says softly. “But I’m glad he finally did.”
“Were you there?” I whisper.
Polina’s eyes fill with tears she has to blink away. “Yes. I suppose we all hold some of the blame. I saw how badly Dimitri was suffering after Nina’s funeral. I just assumed it would pass.”
“You couldn’t have known?—”
“But I should have,” she insists. “He was my best friend’s husband. Nina asked me to take care of him for her. Not even a month after she was gone, I failed her.”
I place a hand on her knee. “You and Arsen aren’t responsible for what happened with Dimitri. He was a grown man?—”
“—who needed help,” she says harshly. “Myhelp.”
I gently pry Nina from Polina’s lap, giving the woman the freedom to sink down in her chair the way I can tell she wants to. “I’ve watched you do this job for over a year now, Polina. You haven’t failed Nina at all. In fact, I think you’ve made her proud.”
Polina sniffles. “That’s kind of you to say.”
“I’m not saying it to be kind; I’m saying it because I think it’s true.”
“He’s letting you in, Laila,” she says. “He’s trying to share himself with you. That’s not something he’s ever done. With anyone.”
I close my eyes for a moment, trying to fight the wave of fear that rises in my throat. “Iwantto move forward, Polina—I’m just scared. What if I lower my guard and he pulls the rug out from underneath me again? I’m not sure I can survive it a second time.”
“Love is always a risk, sweetheart.”
My lips seal together. “I love my mother. But I don’t want to make the same mistakes she did. She wasted her life loving a man who didn’t love her back. I don’t want to do that.”
Polina’s eyes are sharp and searching. “Do you really believe that Arsen doesn’t love you?”
My heart jabs at my ribcage. “He didn’t marry me because he loved me, Polina. He married me because it was convenient. He had motives. Still does, I’d wager.”
“Two things can be true at the same time, can’t they?”
“Maybe,” I concede. “I’m just not sure they are.”
23
ARSEN
Nina wails.
