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He was my drug of choice and I’ve been sober for a year. Him being here is going to derail all of the progress that I’ve made. I can’t let that happen. I can’t go through it with him again.
Desi and Killian come back out of the room. I lost track of time, consumed by my own toxic thoughts. Killian stands by the desk, shifting his weight nervously on his feet as he holds onto the trash bag full of his belongings by his side.
It breaks my heart, knowing that he came here with next to nothing.
“Do you mind taking him to his room?” Desi asks quietly, her eyes searching mine. “If you’re not comfortable with it, I can. Dr. Conrad just paged me though, so I should probably go see what he needs.”
I swallow roughly, straightening my shoulders. “No. Go see what he needs. It’s not a problem.”
Desi gives me a small smile and a nod. “Thanks, girl. We’ll catch up later?”
“Sure,” I offer, shrugging in indifference. I’m not sure that this is a conversation that I’m ready to have with her about him. I don’t know that I’m ready for anyone else to know our history, but she’s become my closest friend since I’ve been here.
Desi shuffles away, disappearing through one of the doors that leads to Dr. Conrad’s office. My eyes trail across the room to Killian, who stares at me with an eyebrow raised. The walls feel like they’re closing in and I’m suffocating in the tension that fills the air.
“Um—I’ll show you where all of the common areas and stuff are and where you’ll be staying.”
“Okay,” he says softly, adjusting the trash bag in his hand as he motions with his other for me to lead the way.
I stare at him, my lips parting slightly, but I can’t form a single coherent thought that I could transform into a sentence. There’s so much that I want to say to him right now, but I know that it’s better if we keep this strictly professional.
He’s not here for us to catch up or reconnect. He’s here for his own recovery.
Killian follows after me as I lead him through the facility. We walk down the hall that leads to the main dining area and the common room. His eyes burn holes in the back of my head as he walks along behind me.
“So, this is the dining area where everyone eats every day,” I tell him, keeping my voice as even as possible as I pause in the doorway. “There’s a kitchen back through those doors.” I point at the opposite end of the room. “They have snacks and stuff in there that everyone is welcome to during the day. Things are pretty lax here, but they run a tight ship too.”
“It seems like it’s been good for you,” he murmurs, hovering behind me with his head all but next to mine.
I clear my throat nervously. “Yeah, this place saved me.”
Killian’s breath is warm against my ear as he leans forward slightly. “Sober looks good on you, baby girl.”
“Thanks,” I mumble, struggling to catch my breath as my heart pounds erratically in my chest from his close proximity. “Um, the common room area is over here.”
I move away from him as quickly as possible. A rush of cold air replaces his warmth from him standing behind me and I miss it already. I walk to the next door that is across the hall, showing him the room that is like a living room, coupled with a game room.
“They do different activities and stuff to try and keep everyone busy and entertained.”
Killian stands beside me, his arm brushing against mine. My skin burns from the contact, but I don’t move away. It warms me in a way that I haven’t felt in so long. He stares straight ahead, his expression dark as he stares into the room. “Who entertains you?”
His question catches me off guard. There’s no animosity or jealousy in his tone. Just curiosity and it feels like a knife in my chest.
“Excuse me?” I breathe, the pain lingering in my voice. “No one entertains me, Killian.”
He turns his head to look at me. “So, you haven’t moved on yet?”
I stare back at him, staring into the sage depths of his irises. “How could you even ask that?”
“Because you should,” he says quietly, his eyes staring straight through me, penetrating my soul. “The way that you looked at me. I know what hatred looks like.”
“I don’t hate you.”
I fucking love you.
“You should,” he breathes, his warm breath fanning across my face as he tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I’m always going to hurt you, baby girl.”
I swallow roughly as I take a step away from him. I can’t do this with him, not right now. It’s too much. I’m still trying to process seeing him and he’s already fucking with my head and my emotions.
