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AINSLEY
The days have been getting shorter with the change of season and it’s already getting dark outside as I head out to my car. The past three months felt like they were three decades. I didn’t last very long in my apartment.
After Killian pulled the plug, after the rug was ripped out from under our feet, I was a bit of a mess. I ended up going home that night and could only stomach being there for twenty minutes. The silence was deafening and I could feel my weaknesses creeping in. My demons were demanding to be fed, but I knew that I had to starve them.
It was the only option that I had, because there was no way that I was going back into the life of active addiction again.
I went home to my mom that night and curled up in her bed as I succumbed to the sadness and wept myself to sleep. I didn’t go back to my apartment after that. My mother didn’t force me to go back there when she went to collect all my belongings. And like a damn child, I let her handle everything with the landlord too.
It felt like I took a step in the right direction and fell flat on my face. I felt like a fucking failure. I couldn’t even live on my own—what the hell did that really say about me?
I came to terms with it just being a hiccup in my journey. Life settled into a new normal being back at home with my mom, just her and I. Surprisingly, she cleared the house of all alcohol and any temptation. She wanted my sobriety for me as badly as I wanted it, so she tried to make life as easy for me as she could.
That first night that I went home, I broke down and told her everything. I confided and confessed my sins and she held me as my tears soaked her satin nightgown. She didn’t offer any judgment or advice. She simply just sat there with me and listened to my sorrows.
I know that there is a part of her that feels to blame for everything. Whether it had to do with my childhood, with my parents failing marriage, or her bringing Killian into my life. There’s nothing that she could have done to prevent it from happening. It was fate. What was meant to be was what it was.
Killian didn’t think that we were meant to be. He let that one night completely derail our relationship. Looking back now, Nolan was right. When both of us were in our treatment, it was the best for us. It gave me space and time to breathe, time to focus on getting my own shit together.
I’m not saying that it was easy. There wasn’t a day that passed that I didn’t struggle with the thoughts of picking up the phone and calling him. Of hopping in my car and driving to where he was. But I knew that it couldn’t be. At that point in our lives, it just wouldn’t work.
We had to take a step back and reevaluate.
And today he was being released from the halfway house. He was officially discharged, free from the holds of his probation sentence. Now, we were both in the real world, but would we meet again?
I asked myself that question every day, until my mother told me that Killian was coming home. She was picking him up today and bringing him back to our house. We were going to be living under the same roof again, but it was different this time. What I didn’t know was just how different things were going to be.
* * *
I checkthe time on the dashboard as I pull up to the house. All of the lights are on inside with one left on by the front porch to give me a clear view of the door when I go inside. I don’t know if I’m ready to go inside. It’s dinner time and I know that they’ll both be sitting there at the table, waiting for me when I arrive.
Inhaling deeply, I brush away the nerves and turn off the engine before climbing out of the car. My footsteps are light as I walk toward the front door, but with every step, it feels as if my chest grows tighter. I’m afraid to see him. I’m afraid for whatever comes next, because it’s like walking into the unknown. Alone in the darkness without a light to guide me.
I step into the house, kicking my shoes off at the front door as I smell the meal that my mother cooked. After hanging up my purse, I head through the kitchen and into the dining room. My mother sits at the end of the table, piling food onto her plate as she lifts her head to smile at me.
Time fucking stops. My heart fucking stops. The air leaves my lungs in a rush as Killian turns around to look at me. His bright green eyes meet mine, a soft smile touching his lips as he stares back at me. His onyx hair is shorter but still hangs in a tousled mess above his eyebrows. I don’t know how it’s possible, but he looks even better than the last time I saw him.
There was always a darkness hanging in the dark specks of his irises, but it’s not there. Something changed in Killian in the past few months and it looks good on him.
“Hey, sweetie,” my mom says cheerfully as she motions to the seat beside her. “Come sit down. We were just waiting for you to get here to eat.”
I choke back the emotion and smile back at her as I tear my eyes away from Killian’s. “You guys didn’t have to wait for me.”
“Nonsense,” she mumbles, waving her hand dismissively as I walk around the table and pull out the chair. I sit down, sitting directly across from Killian. His eyes are still on me, and I struggle to avoid his gaze. To avoid getting lost in those deep green oceans.
“You look good, Ainsley.” Killian’s voice is soft, but there’s a depth to it. It vibrates in his chest, thrumming against my eardrums as the familiar sound snakes its way into my soul. “How have you been?”
“I’ve been good,” I tell him honestly as I pour myself a glass of water. “I’ve been working and still in therapy. I just enrolled in some classes at the local college for the winter.”
Killian smiles and it touches his eyes. “Good. I told you that you were destined for bigger and better things. And here you are, finally doing it.”
I shrug nervously, feeling the heat creep up my neck and spread across my face. “How have you been?” I choke out the words as amusement fills his eyes.
“Good.” Killian smiles as he spoons some food onto his plate. “As you can see, I made it through the last leg of treatment. And well, here I am.”
“And I am so proud of both of you,” my mom interjects, smiling brightly at both of us. “You guys can catch up after dinner, but let’s eat. I’m sure both of you are hungry and I know that you probably didn’t have home cooked meals at the sober living house,” she says as she glances at Killian.
He smiles at her. Like genuinely smiles. None of that cold facade that he used to carry around with him. “Nothing that comes close to your cooking, Raina.”
