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She knows enough of my secrets as it is. I don’t need her to know about this one.
Killian still manages to fuck with my head. I wanted to go into this slowly, easing our way back into how intense our relationship was in the past. Instead, we both jumped in blindly without chancing a glance over our shoulders. We are falling down a deep dark hole and I can only hope that there’s light at the bottom of this one.
History has a funny way of repeating itself and I refuse to let it happen this time. We’re both stronger than our demons. We’re both in a different place mentally, this time around. Rock bottom is lonely as fuck and I know that Killian would follow me back down without any questions.
I refuse to do that to him again. And for once, I refuse to do that to myself. I’ve always been destructive as hell, but that’s changing. I want to live. I want to experience life. It’s too short to make the same fuck ups that I have in the past.
And as much as I miss the drugs, as much as my body occasionally craves the high, I know that it’s all psychological. I’m stronger now than I once was before. I’m a fighter, a survivor. There isn’t anything that I can’t overcome.
For once in my life, I feel like I can officially leave that all in the past.
It’s risky, getting involved with Killian this quickly and this soon, even though a year had passed since we were last together. We both have a way of dragging the other through the darkest depths of Hell. This time, we’re slow dancing in the flames instead of burning in them.
The fire doesn’t burn my feet. I’m untouchable. We own hell, it doesn’t own us anymore.
A shrill ringing sounds through the darkness in my room. A sigh leaves my lips as I sit up and hit the cancel button on my phone. I knew that it was coming soon and after tossing and turning all night, I’m glad that I have something that I can finally occupy my mind with instead of Killian and his words that always linger in the back of my mind.
I climb out of bed and grab my clothes before heading into the bathroom. The hot water burns my skin but I welcome the feeling as a distraction. Steam fills the room as I step out of the shower after washing my body. I twist my long hair up in a bun and wrap a towel around my body as I step toward the mirror.
Reaching out, I swipe away the moisture from the mirror as I stare back at my reflection. Overnight, even without any sleep, I can’t miss the transformation. My clear eyes shine brightly. There’s a touch of pink in my cheeks, almost as if I’ve been brought back to life.
The past year, even with all of the work that I’ve been doing, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living in an alternate universe. A universe where Killian was so far away, the distance was fucking painful. I know that I needed to focus on myself and that depending on him was the worst thing that I could do.
I did all of it without him and now that I’m starting to love myself, I can properly love him in the way that he deserves to be loved. A smile touches my lips and the happiness on my face is hard to ignore. This is what living truly looks like.
After applying some light makeup, I change into my outfit for the day and head out of the bathroom. I toss my towel into the hamper in my bedroom and grab my purse before heading out of the room. As I step into the hallway, Cartier opens her door, wiping the sleep from her eyes as she walks into the hall.
“You got in late last night.” She raises an eyebrow at me.
I swallow hard. “I ended up at work a little later than I planned.”
“Mhm,” she murmurs under her breath. “I bet you did.”
I narrow my eyes at her in warning. “I had to work late.”
“Whatever you say.” Cartier raises her hands up in submission as a chuckle slips from her lips. She shakes her head, rolling her eyes at me. “No judgment from me, girl. You might have been at work late, but we both know that you weren’t working.”
“I gotta get ready to leave.” I change the subject, dodging any further accusations from her which are spot fucking on. “I want to run to the mall and run some errands before heading into work.”
Cartier gives me a mischievous smile and nods. “If you make some coffee, save some for me.”
I nod as she disappears into the bathroom. Readjusting the bun on the top of my head, I shift my purse on my shoulder and head down to the kitchen. I know that Cartier wouldn’t say anything to anyone. She’s not dumb, she already knows, but I’m not ready for anyone to actually know. It’s too risky.
Killian and I have too much to lose. And this time, it’s not just each other.
* * *
The mall wasn’t busy,so I was able to get everything that I needed faster than I planned. I ended up going in an hour early and was swamped with paperwork from the second that I got there. It wasn’t really necessary for me to get there that early, but this is the first time that I’m having to handle all of this shit by myself. I’ve never done an intake before and thinking about doing it alone gives me anxiety.
Anxiety that I can’t just pop a small blue pill to chase it away.
That’s one thing about being an addict in recovery. You literally have to change every aspect of your life. All of the different medications that would typically be prescribed are too risky for an addict to take. If they have any type of an addictive property, it’s better to just avoid them.
So, that leaves me with nothing but the bullshit thoughts that fill my mind. The anxiety that threatens to control my life. I take nonaddictive psych meds every day for my anxiety and depression, but they don’t take the edge off like those quick acting ones do.
I’ll get through it though. That’s why I came early, to ensure that I can get through it without any hiccups.
“You’re here early.” Nolan’s voice breaks through my thoughts as he walks through the front door.
