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I don’t notice Dr. Conrad moving until he takes a seat on the floor beside me. He sits silently, not making any bullshit attempts to comfort me as he lets me have my space. He lets me feel everything that I need to before the tears finally subside.
I lift my head, glancing over at him, feeling embarrassed as I wipe the tears away from my face. “This isn’t working.”
He nods. “Are you ready to try again? Will you let me help you to figure out what is going to work for you?”
I stare back at him, swallowing the emotions back down. “I’m ready.”
SEVEN
AINSLEY
“You getting ready for work?” Cartier asks as she slowly pushes open my door and steps into my space without an invitation.
I glance up at her as I slip my feet into my Vans. “Yeah, it’s been a weird adjustment without Desi.”
Cartier drops down onto the bed beside me and leans back on her elbows. She kicks her legs, her bare feet with her perfectly manicured toes swinging back and forth. “Do you think that she’s gonna come back?”
“Before she ended up in treatment, she was working on her masters in psychology. I don’t know what exactly happened that derailed everything, but I think she only has a year left to finish her degree.” I stand up, adjusting my strapless dress around my chest. “I’m pretty sure that she already has a position waiting for her at Better Daze.”
Cartier purses her lips. “I was thinking of enrolling in the local community college.” I raise an eyebrow at her and she shrugs. “The money from my parents’ estate is going to run out eventually and I don’t know that I’m going to want to make a career out of working at the dispensary.”
“What do you think that you’d want to do?”
Her legs stop moving back and forth and she pulls her gaze from mine, staring blankly at the wall on the opposite side of the room. “Honestly, I haven’t really thought much about it.”
“I mean, there’s no rush to figure out what you want to do,” I tell her as I rise to my feet from the bed. “Shit. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life and I’ve only got a month left in here.”
I swallow hard as the reality slaps me in the face. I was able to save up some money and my mom gave me access to my savings account that she had set up for me. She helped me to secure a one bed-room apartment and put a down payment down on it. I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet.
“Girl, you’re set up with your job and you already have a place that you’re moving into. I think you’re doing alright in life.”
I give her a small smile, not feeling the same way about it that she’s clearly feeling. “I don’t know if I’m ready for it. I’ve never lived by myself before.”
“Have you considered going back home and living with your mom for a little while until you feel ready?”
“She offered.” I shrug as I grab my bag from the top of my dresser. “I don’t know. The apartment is month to month, so we’ll see how it goes.”
“One day at a time, girl.” Cartier smiles at me as she finally climbs off my bed. “We all gotta learn how to walk before we run, right?”
“More like learn how to crawl.”
Cartier brushes past me, walking through my bedroom door as she steps out into the hallway. “You gotta change your mindset, Ainsley. For real. Pessimism doesn’t suit you.”
She leaves without saying anything else as her words hang heavily in the air. They seep into my pores. There was no animosity behind what she said. She wasn’t saying it to be mean, she was simply making an observation. And she’s right. I hate this version of myself, but I’m still trying to work on it.
Before my addiction pulled me down into the dark depths, I always had the carefree, easygoing mood. Maybe it was because of the drugs that I didn’t care enough to really give myself the chance to be negative about it. Everything always was what it was. I went with the flow, accepting shit as it came.
Now that I think about it, I don’t know that I was ever truly accepting it. I was just avoiding it instead. By brushing it off and pretending like nothing affected me, I was avoiding the negative thoughts that were constantly threatening to plague my mind.
There’s nothing that I can do to change the past. The future isn’t something that I can completely manipulate to work out in my favor. The present is the only thing that is guaranteed and the only thing that I can control. I need to focus on that. Focus on the present and the positive things in life.
Like she said, I need to learn how to walk before I can run. I feel like I’ve been crawling for so long, that I haven’t even attempted to walk on my own two feet.
I don’t have to crawl anymore because I can walk.
I can do this. The universe is my oasis and I can attain anything that I manifest and set my mind to. I just need to take control over my mind and my thoughts.
Before I do that, I think there are some demons that I need to deal with still. I have a ghost that I need to either eradicate or embrace.
