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“I don’t know her story, which is completely beside the point. Are you really in a position to judge right now, Killian?” I raise an eyebrow, challenging him. “We both know that I’m not the only one that’s high in this room right now.”
“Don’t worry about me, baby girl.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “I can handle myself and the shit that I do.”
My brows furrow. “You say that I’m the one that needs help, but you do too, Killian. I know that you’ve never been dependent on drugs, but when is the last time that you went a day without using something?”
His jaw clenches and I watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows hard. “I don’t know,” he whispers, nervously licking his lips. “I know that I have a problem, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle.”
“Just come home,” I tell him, the desperation clear in my voice. “If you come back here, you can get help too. We can both do this together.”
Killian shakes his head. “You know that that would never work.” His voice cracks and the pain seeps in the crevices. “This is why I can’t be in your life. I need you to worry about yourself instead of worrying about me. You can’t save yourself when you’re too worried about saving everyone else.”
I refuse to give up on him. He never gave up on me, even when he was letting me do whatever the fuck I wanted. He always made sure that I was safe. I wouldn’t be alive right now if it weren’t for him never leaving my side.
I know that I can’t save him, but I’m damned sure going to try.
“Promise me that you’ll at least think about it?”
He gives me a small smile, but the pain comes in waves, washing over his green eyes. “It would never work, baby. We both know that. We’re fucking poison and when we’re together, there’s no antidote that would come close to touching us.”
My stomach sinks and I tighten my grip on his shirt. His venom courses through my body as he sinks his fangs into my heart. “Don’t give up on us.”
“I’ll never give up on us, but right now, this is the way things have to be.” He swallows hard. “You need to focus on yourself and getting better. And maybe—one day—when we’re both in a better spot in life, maybe there will be an antidote and then we can exist in this world without ruining each other.”
Killian drops his face to mine, his fingertips biting my skin as he pulls me closer. My body is flush against his and his lips are warm as they collide with mine. He steals the air from my lungs, breathing me in as his mouth melts against mine. I hold on to him for dear life as he steals the remnants of my soul that he left behind.
He lightly nips at my bottom lip, coaxing them open as he swipes his tongue along the crescent shapes he leaves in my flesh. My lips part, letting him in. There’s no urgency behind his gentle kiss. It’s slow and brutal, bruising my heart and my soul. Sadness seeps from his soul, rooting itself deep in my bones.
This is goodbye.
Time is suspended, but as quickly as it started, it abruptly ends. Killian pulls away, pressing his lips against my forehead as he inhales deeply. His hands fall from my face, dropping to his sides. My heart breaks into a million pieces, shattering on the floor around our feet as he slowly takes a step away from me.
A rush of cold air wraps itself around me, replacing his warmth as he stares back down at me with tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, baby girl. This is the way that it has to be.”
My eyes match his and the tears fall down the sides of my face. My bottom lip quivers and I wrap my arms around myself, nodding. I watch as Killian turns away from me and it’s as if he’s moving in slow motion as he walks over to my door. He unlocks it, slowly turning the knob as he quietly opens the door.
He steps through the doorway as he turns back to me. “I love you, Ainsley. Promise me you won’t ever forget that.”
I nod. “I love you,” I whisper, not fully trusting my voice.
Killian quietly pulls the door shut behind him. I don’t go after him like I want to. My knees buckle and I collapse onto the floor as the tears stream down my face and the heartbreak consumes me. I thought he broke me when I thought he betrayed me, but that was nothing compared to this.
He obliterated me with his goodbye.
TWENTY-SEVEN
AINSLEY
My skull pounds as I roll over in bed, pulling my pillow over my head. I reach over onto my nightstand, feeling for my little raisin box before I feel the cardboard material against my palm. I pull it closer to me, pushing the pillow away from my face long enough to pop a quick Xanax bar. The taste is bitter on my tongue and my mouth is dry as I swallow it down without a drink.
After last night, I need something to take the edge off even more than I normally do. Killian was the last person that I ever thought I would see here. Last night really threw me off, especially after Killian’s omission. I still don’t know what I fully believe right now. All I know is the aching in my chest is deeper than it was before.
He carved his initials in my soul as he dug a hole in my chest. The hollowness was his home, it’s where he belonged. Last night was the last goodbye. There is nothing in this world that will touch the pain that has seeped into the Killian-shaped hole in my rib cage.
“Ainsley!” My mother’s voice is loud as she calls my name, knocking on my bedroom door. I don’t usually lock it and after Killian left, I couldn’t care less about doing that. I eventually cried myself to sleep on the middle of my bedroom floor. It was nearly light outside when I woke up and crawled into bed and did it all over again.
Ripping the pillow away from my face, I groan loudly and kick the covers off my body. “Give me like twenty minutes.”
“Fifteen,” my mother counters as she opens my bedroom door. “You have a busy day today at the outpatient center.”
