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TWENTY
AINSLEY
The sun shines brightly through the open curtains as I slowly open my eyes. The light burns my eyes and I blink rapidly in an attempt to let them adjust to the harshness of it. My head is groggy from the night before, but it was truly a night that I will never forget. Regardless of how fucked up we all were, Killian and I connected in a way that we hadn’t in such a long time.
It felt as if a veil had been lifted. Like my depression had suddenly vanished. It’s weird in a sense, because it had been lingering for so long, but now I feel like an entirely different person waking up this morning. I’m not even high, but I feel like I’m on top of the fucking world.
Rolling over, my eyes fall shut as I reach for Killian but all I find is an empty bed. His spot is still warm, so I know that he hasn’t been gone long, but I was still hoping that I would find him here. My sex drive has been seriously lacking since I fell down the deep depressed state that I was caught up in, but I feel like I did a one-eighty overnight.
Instead, I wish he were here in bed, his cock throbbing as he sinks deep inside me. My insides clench as I feel the wetness growing between my thighs. I fight the urge to slip my hands down into my panties to rub that bundle of nerves that begs for attention. I don’t want to be the one giving it attention. I want Killian’s attention, his focus, his fucking desire.
With a sigh, I climb out of bed and make my way out of the bedroom. I find Killian in the kitchen, making some toast as the aroma of coffee drifts through the air. I take a deep breath, inhaling the scent as I close my eyes. Killian doesn’t see me as I pass the doorway and dip into the living room. Everything that we were doing last night is still spread out on the coffee table.
As sad as it is, I’ve become a damn pro at cooking dope in record time. Some of my veins are shot, but luckily I can still find one easily enough to give myself a quick boost. It’s not enough to send me into a complete daze where I can’t function but it’s enough to add some pep in my step.
I made sure to pick some of the concoction that Amethyst had mixed yesterday, the cocaine is definitely the upper that I needed right now.
My feet float across the floor as I let them carry me back to where Killian is. I pause in the doorway, leaning against the frame as I watch him spread some jam across the pieces of toast. He glances at me over his shoulder, his eyes narrowing as a lazy grin forms on my face. My eyelids droop, but the coke helps keep them open enough to still see him.
“Hey you,” I say softly, as I make my way over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist.
Our conversation from last night in bed creeps into my head and guilt washes over me. I know that I told him last night that I was ready to be done. But I wasn’t lying when I said that I don’t know how to stop. I know that I need to, I know that neither of us can continue to live this life. Killian doesn’t want to live like this and I don’t either.
But this is what we have right now, so this is what we have to work with.
I’m flying high, partially from the drugs and the rest is from my sudden change in mood. I’ve experienced these ups and downs before. Fuck me, if I never want these moments to end. I’m not one who makes good decisions, regardless of if I’m in a low or high mental state. But these highs, they’re almost as good as the ones that I feel from the drugs that I inject.
Killian’s body is rigid against mine. He doesn’t stop what he’s doing, ignoring me as I keep my arms wrapped around his waist, resting the side of my face against his back. “Why don’t you come back to bed with me for a little while?” I ask, slowly sliding my hands down his naked torso.
My fingertips slowly slide across his stomach, grazing the waistband of his boxers. The knife in his hand clatters loudly onto the counter as he abruptly drops it. He wraps his hand around mine, pulling it away from him. “Don’t.” His voice is low, but I don’t miss the warning in his tone. “Not right now, Ainsley.”
“Why not?” I counter, dropping my arms away from him as I take a step back. I cross them over my chest defensively. “What’s wrong with right now? You don’t want me. That’s it, isn’t it?”
Killian doesn’t bother turning around to face me as he begins to clean up the mess that he made on the counter. “Let it go, Ainsley.”
The anger builds inside, rushing to the forefront of my mood. It’s intensified from the multiple highs that I’m on right now, mentally and drug induced. “What changed from last night? You wanted me then. Now all of the sudden you don’t want me anymore?”
“Everything changed.”
My brow furrows. “What the fuck does that mean?”
He drops the knife into the sink, the sound harsh against my ears as it bounces off the metal base. He doesn’t bother looking at me as he grabs the jam and butter and walks over to the fridge and places them inside. I stare at him in disbelief.
At first I was thrown off by his coldness, but it didn’t take long for that to transform into anger. And now that the rage has been growing, I don’t know how the hell to turn it off. It consumes me. This is what happens. When I go through the highs and lows, the highs can be pure fucking ecstasy, but if the smallest thing pisses me off, it’s game over. It quickly shifts into an anger that is so intense, it mimics the devil’s wrath.
“Look at me, Killian,” I demand, watching him from behind as he takes a slow sip of his black coffee. He ignores me, giving me the cold shoulder as he stares at the wall above the counter. It’s blank and white. There’s nothing to fucking look at, but at this point, it seems as though he’d be more interested in looking at a blank wall than looking at me.
I move closer to him, stopping directly beside him. Turning to face him, I lean my hip against the counter, staring at the side of his face as he continues to ignore me. “Killian,” I try again, I try to keep my voice even, but fuck me if I can’t contain this rage."Fucking look at me, goddammit!" I raise my voice, at the same time raising my hand as I smack the coffee mug from his hand.
The ceramic lands with a loud crash against the countertop, breaking into a dozen pieces, scattering across the counter and onto the floor. Coffee splashes all down Killian’s arm, across his chest and follows the broken pieces of the mug on the counter and onto the floor. He inhales sharply, no doubt, the hot liquid burning his skin.
I don’t even have time to take a breath and he’s on me. His fingertips dig into my biceps as he wraps his hands around my arms, hauling me back against the counter. “What the fuck, Ainsley?” he yells in my face, giving me a swift shake. “Why can’t you just fucking let shit go?”
“Tell me why you don’t want me, Killian,” I demand, my voice cracking from the emotion thick in my throat. “Tell me what the hell changed from last night.”
“No.”
I glare at him, challenging him back as he loosens his grip on my arms. “I don’t accept that. You owe me more of an explanation than that.”
