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I’ll do it soon. I just want one last good time with her.
One last time that maybe she’ll remember in the future and hate me less.
It’s doubtful because the only good times we have anymore are when we’re fucked up. And if Ainsley gets clean, I don’t know how she’s going to feel when she realizes that I was enabling her all along.
I’ll take my chances. Her getting better is the risk of being the devil in her eyes.
SEVENTEEN
AINSLEY
The only times that I got out of bed while Killian was gone was to keep my high going. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve been caught in and I don’t know how to shake it. After the first effects wore off and my high started to even out, I was actually productive. I attempted to clean up the dirty clothes that I left scattered around the room and organized some shit in our room.
It’s weird, the spurts of energy that I get when I’m not feeling as depressed. It’s giving me whiplash, the ups and the downs. I don’t know what the hell is going on in my head anymore, but I know the one thing that helps even it out.
I just want Killian to see that I can be somewhat normal, even though the highs and the lows have been the furthest thing from normal. I need him to see that there’s still a spark of the girl that he fell in love with inside. I’m still here, I’m just lost in the fucking darkness.
Some days I feel like giving up. It’s not worth the fight and the struggle to pull myself out of the shadows. Other days, I’m on my hands and knees, crawling toward the light like my life fucking depends on it.
And it does, it really does. This path that I’m headed down is the wrong one. I lost my compass somewhere along the way, but I can only hope that I find it. If not, I need someone to find me and draw me out of this.
Even that is unrealistic. Killian’s been trying. Fuck, he’s been trying harder than anyone ever has to pull me out of this shit. I know he doesn’t think that I see it. I can see the hopelessness in the green hues of his eyes and the solemness in his voice. I just need him to know that I can see it. I see it, I feel it. And goddammit, I want it to work.
But it doesn’t.
Killian can’t save me from myself.
Either I find a way to do it or I lose myself in the shadows forever.
* * *
I finish makingthe bed when I hear the front door to the apartment open. Killian’s voice floats through the space, snaking its way into our bedroom. It isn’t long after he stops talking that I hear Amethyst and Courtland’s voices out there too. I perk up more than I have in the past, partially because of the sudden switch in my mood today.
I’m riding the remenants of the high from the dope I did earlier and the high of my mood swings. I straighten the sheet with the comforter, folding it over at the base of the pillows before smoothing out the wrinkles. I readjust the clean clothes that I put on after actually showering earlier today before heading out into the living room.
Killian is the first who catches my gaze and he smiles as his eyes scan my body. It’s the first time that I’ve seen him truly smile in the past few weeks. I know that my depressive state has been affecting him too and slowly bringing him down. But seeing him smile, that literally makes my whole fucking month.
“Hey Ainsley.” Amethyst smiles, stepping over to me as she pulls me in for a hug. I’ve never been one for feeling other people closely, but I’m in a completely elated mood and her warmth is comforting as I wrap my arms around her to hug her back.
Amethyst pulls away and I glance at Courtland who smiles at me with a reluctant look in his eyes. “What’s up, Ains?”
“You know, same shit, different day.” I laugh lightly as I shrug my shoulders and step over to Killian. He meets me halfway, pulling me into his arms as he buries his face in my neck. “I missed you,” I murmur against his ear.
“I’ve missed you too, baby.” I feel his smile against my skin as he presses his lips against the sensitive spot on my neck. “You always look good, but you’re glowing right now. Fuck.”
We both know that it’s just another step in the vicious cycle that I’ve been in, but neither of us say anything about it. Instead we revel in the scarcity of it and enjoy it while we can. There’s no telling how long it will last.
I feel a twinge of guilt and my heart constricts at the emotion in Killian’s voice. There’s so much more meaning behind such a simple phrase that he whispers against my skin. He misses me.
“What are you guys doing here?” I ask Amethyst and Courtland as Killian shifts me to his side, wrapping his arm around the tops of my shoulders as he holds me close against his side. “You guys are both done with work?”
“I was off today.” Amethyst shrugs as she heads into the kitchen and pulls open the fridge, helping herself to a beer. “These two assholes got done early and decided to come pick me up. It’s been a minute since we hung out, so we figured we’d come chill, if you’re up to it.”
“Of course!” I exclaim, louder than I intended, with much more enthusiasm than I’ve possessed in quite some time. “I’m so glad that you guys came over.”
“Where’s Linc?” Killian asks me quietly, his words only meant for me, but I see Courtland’s body tense at the mention of his name.
I shrug. “He hasn’t been back at all today. I’m sure he wouldn’t care that they’re here though? I mean, it seemed like him and Court were fine the other night.”
