AllFreeNovel
Share Us
What if all of this is all my fault?
Would Ainsley’s life have been different if I never walked into it? That’s a question that we will never know the answer to. There’s no way for us to go back in time, to erase everything that has happened. All we can do is move forward and control what is in our reach.
There is one thing that I have control over, I just can’t bring myself to do it yet.
I know that it’s time, but I can’t pull the trigger because I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that neither of us will recover from what I have to do.
FIFTEEN
AINSLEY
We haven’t spoken a word after seeing Jude at the corner store. Nothing was said after we got back to the apartment and locked ourselves away in the bedroom. I buried myself under the covers, attempting to sleep away the rest of the day. Killian eventually disappeared, slipping away through the door.
I toss and turn, feeling restless in my soul.
The intrusive thoughts seep into the corners of my mind
I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to dwell on the truths behind them. I just want to disappear, to vanish as if I were never even here. The only way that I can vanish is through the clouds and I’m too close to the ground right now. I need something to pick me up before I succumb to the darkness I’ve been running from.
It’s swallowing me whole and I’m suffocating.
My chest rises and falls in rapid succession as I begin to hyperventilate. I rip the covers away from my head, sucking in a deep breath of air as I free my face. The room slowly stops spinning and I feel like I can breathe again.
The anxiety still lingers. The intrusive thoughts cloud my mind. I let out a sigh as I finally climb out of bed. Voices float through the cracks around our bedroom door, coming from the living room. I don’t know who’s here, but I don’t really care. Anyone that comes around here does some type of drug.
That’s the only reason I’m leaving this room right now—I’ll take some of whatever it is that they’re doing.
Killian lifts his head, swiping at his nose as I hover in the doorway of the living room. His throat bobs as he swallows hard, but he doesn’t bother to clean up or hide the mess that they’ve made on the coffee table.
Courtland sits across from him, his head dipping down as he snorts a line from the CD case that he has the lines cut on. He sniffs loudly, sucking in the powder as he tips his head back to let it absorb in his system.
“Hey baby,” Killian says, his voice hoarse and slurred. I watch his eyes swallow his pupils whole as he watches me from his seat. “You feel any better?”
I shrug. “What’s that?” I ask, motioning to the spread in front of him as I walk into the living room and take a seat on the couch next to him.
“What’s up, Ainsley?” Courtland nods at me with a lazy grin playing on his lips. “I brought some new shit that I just got. You wanna try it?”
My heart pounds erratically in my chest. The anticipation builds and I can taste it before it even touches my veins. “If it’s some type of a downer, sign me up.”
“I know you fuck with H, but I got some killer Fenty.” Courtland winks. He pulls out his phone, absentmindedly tapping on the screen. Killian hands me one of the baggies from the table. I close my fist around it, staring back at him with a hesitant look. “Go do your shit in the other room if you need to, Ainsley. No one’s here to judge.”
I glance over at Court, my eyes widening slightly. “It’s just a weird thing, you know? I feel weird about people watching me.” I swallow hard over the thickness in my throat.
Courtland nods as he chews on the inside of his cheek. Killian stares down at the table with a glazed look consuming his eyes. He’s not really here right now, even if he is hearing our conversation. I don’t even know if Courtland really heard what I said, but it doesn’t seem like anyone really cares.
The sound of the front door grabs my attention and I glance over just as Lincoln steps into the apartment. He raises an eyebrow. “You guys having a party at my apartment and didn’t even invite me?”
From the corner of my eye, I see Courtland’s body grow rigid and he nervously shifts his weight in his seat. Killian lifts his head to look over at Linc. “There’s enough here to go around. Court just brought some shit over for everyone to sample.”
“Sweet.” Linc grins, acting completely unaffected by Courtland’s presence. It’s a complete transformation from the last time I saw them near each other. Everyone that I’ve met in this life wears a mask. I don’t know why I would expect anything different from Killian’s people. If there is anyone who deserves to wear a mask, it’s them... especially after all the shit that they’ve lived through in their short lives.
Linc strides across the living room and drops down on the couch next to Courtland. There’s an uncomfortable shift in the air, but no one draws any attention to it. Lincoln pulls open the drawer in the center of the coffee table and takes out a small pouch. He empties it out, the spoon clattering against the hardwood as it falls out. A few fresh needles come out, as well as cotton and a lighter.
Courtland and Killian both look at him, watching as he shamelessly dumps the contents of the baggie onto his spoon and starts to cook the powder into a liquid. He lifts his head, looking around the room at all of us with a bored expression. “Really? You pussies don’t shoot it?”
“Ainsley does,” Courtland mumbles as he tears his gaze away from Lincoln.
