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I smile, exhaling the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. Her jealousy is cute, even though it’s not warranted. I can’t be mad at her because if I were her, I wouldn’t have believed a single word that I said either. “Maybe Amethyst can help clear up any confusion for you.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
The door is pulled open, as if on cue. Amethyst stands there, her purple hair pulled up in a messy bun. She raises an eyebrow at the two of us. “I thought you were going with Court?”
“I am.” I keep my eyes on Ainsley, dipping my head down as my lips find hers. “I’ll be back soon, baby.”
Ainsley nods and Amethyst scoffs. “Come on, Ains. Let the boys go do their thing.”
Amethyst reaches out, grabbing Ainsley’s hand as she pulls her away from me. “I promise that I’ll take good care of her.” She smiles at me and winks as Ainsley gives me a wary look.
“You fucking better,” I warn her, taking a step away from the door.
“Calm down, Killer.” Amethyst rolls her eyes. “I saw what you did to that Ezra kid. I’d like to keep my face intact, thank you very much.” She blows me a kiss before slamming the door in my face, locking herself and my girl inside.
I run a frustrated hand through my hair before turning away from the apartment. I wouldn’t leave Ainsley here if I didn’t trust Amethyst, but fuck, that chick really tests my patience. Tucking my fidgety hands in my pockets, I stride back down the stairs and climb into a silent car with Courtland.
Courtland sighs, glancing over at me with red, tired eyes. “Let’s go make some money.”
NINE
AINSLEY
I stand awkwardly just inside the door as Amethyst lets go of my hand and walks toward the couch in the center of the room. She caught me off guard by dragging me in here, but if she hadn’t, there’s a good chance that I may not have actually come in. Crossing my arms over my chest, I scratch at the itch on my forearm.
My nails don’t come close to actually scratching the itch. That’s because it was never there to begin with. It’s deeper than my flesh and completely untouchable except with a fucking needle. I pull my hand away as I meet Amethyst’s curious gaze.
“What are you coming down from?”
There’s no judgment in her voice, just blatant curiosity. I fidget with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. “Junk.”
Amethyst gives me an understanding nod as she drops down onto the couch. “You want to crash or do you need a pick me up?”
“I don’t want to crash,” I admit, my voice barely audible. “I’m not ready for that yet.”
I’ve only ever experienced the start to withdrawing before and that was hell enough. It scares me, for the day when I actually need to get my shit together and get sober. Killian wants it now. He hasn’t been pushing, but he’s expressed it enough. I’m the one who has been holding us back from getting clean.
I’m not ready and if I’m not ready, it’s never going to work.
I’m terrified for the fall—for the crash. My fear keeps me suspended in time, continuously pumping more poison into my veins. I glance down at the small tattoo that runs along a dark blue, superficial vein in my wrist.
Memento mori.
Remember, you must die.
I remember every fucking day. Every single time I shoot up is like playing Russian roulette with my mortality. I don’t live my life in fear of dying. I’m not afraid to die, I’m just afraid to crash and wish I were dead instead.
“Come sit.” Amethyst waves me in. “I have some smack or Fentanyl, if you want some.”
I eye her, sheepishly. My heart pounds my chest and my mouth waters as she pulls out a small box and flips open the lid. She plucks out a bag, holding it out to me. “I don’t have any money on me, but I can run to the ATM and pay you back.”
Amethyst shakes her head. “Consider it a gift. You know, trying to be a good host here and shit.” She waves it in my face until I take it from her. “You got a rig? I don’t shoot anything, so I don’t keep any of that shit.”
I nod as a shameful feeling creeps under my skin. “I have one in my purse.” There’s something to be said about that final step that you take when you finally inject drugs. It’s different than snorting or smoking. It’s a completely different world.
“Traveling like a true junkie.” Amethyst’s teeth are bright white as she flashes them at me. Her tongue darts out and I notice her tongue ring as she licks her lips. “Don’t feel weird about it, girl. That’s just the one thing I’ve always been too pussy to do.”
“Don’t do it,” I tell her, my voice low in warning. “It’s not worth it.”
