Page 8 of Operation: Integrity
He returned to the kennel and opened the gate. Zeus went right in without complaint. He reached through the fence and gave Bubbles a few chin scratches, then madehis way toward home. Tomorrow would be better. He wouldn’t let it be any other way.
Kelly wokeearly and made herself a cup of coffee in the single-cup coffee maker in her cabin. She made use of the toaster and, feeling like she wanted to avoid everyone today if possible, made the decision to use the phone and let Connor know she would be staying in.
She didn’t want to explain to him that Edwyn was just too assertive, too gruff, tooloud. She didn’t want to work with him anymore. After Edwyn had scared her so badly the day before, Sam had come to her rescue. He’d even called Sam to come. Her heart had done something she’d never expected to happen again, she’d melted into a safe space, a place she’d thought was dead inside. A place that was very dangerous for a woman like her.
Nathan would find her. It was only a matter of time. When he did, everyone around her would be in danger. She gripped her hot coffee and headed for the patio window. Even that felt forbidden. She was so used to hiding, staying behind locked doors, away from windows. Her life was always waiting to be told what to do and where to go. Even the choice to stay in her room was novel and scary.
A cloudy sky threatened to spout more snowflakes. Cold air seeped through the patio door making her shiver and she backed away. Recalling what Lacy had said the day before, she turned the thermostat up a few degrees and waited for the clicking of the baseboard heater to turn on. Cradling her mug between her hands, she headed for the sofa. Now that she had time, what could she do withit? What did she enjoy doing anymore? There wasn’t anything.
With startling clarity, she saw her reflection in the television screen. How could she still allow herself to feel anything? Hadn’t she been through enough? Her heart should be dead. Even if she could ever love again, she would never have a normal relationship. Any man who decided she could be loved would have to deal with her night terrors, her constant feeling of being permanently damaged, her worry that they may have stolen her very soul.
There was nothing left of her to love.
So why had Sam’s light touch yesterday made her feel safe? That was a feeling she hadn’t known in years. Even coming to Wayside hadn’t done that. She was still alone, still unsure. Coming to Wayside was supposed to open doors to healing, but being out in the wide open left her feeling vulnerable, watched, exposed. Sam was like a protective blanket over her.
“You can’t stay here. If you do, you could make him fall for you. That’s not fair to him.” She stared at her reflection, willing herself to get up and find Connor. She had to do what was right, but her heart rebelled. Knowing what she had to do didn’t make it any easier. Leaving would be giving up the one thing that had made her feel almost good.
“Toughen up, buttercup. You have to do what’s right because this is his job. He can’t leave here, which means you have to. For both of you.” She stood and left her coffee on the kitchen table.
Shrugging on Lacy’s coat, she ducked outside. Since she’d told Connor she was staying in, being outside left her tense, like she was misbehaving. Would she get introuble? She searched the area to see if anyone might see her. Finding no one, she made her way to the ranch house, keeping near buildings and as out of sight as possible.
Opening the front door, she glanced both ways and around the room before making her way to the hallway where Connor’s office was the first door on the right. He’d told her that one of their guests stayed in the room across the hall from Brendon’s office, but she hadn’t been down that far yet.
Connor’s door was open, but she hesitated outside. Voices came from the dining room, since breakfast was still being served. If someone found her hanging out in the hallway, would they think she was breaking some rule? No one had told her what the rules were other than pointing out the numbered plaque on the wall and explaining that those rules pertained more to the men than the guests. Knowing that, she’d quickly dispelled them from her mind.
Kelly took a deep breath and approached the door. Connor looked up before she could knock, and he smiled. The man was roughly the size of a grizzly and more daunting than he probably realized. She shrank back a step.
“Come on in, Kelly.” He waved her forward. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
She bit her lip and slowly approached his desk. This would be easier if she just came right out and said what needed to be. “I would like to go back to the halfway house. I don’t think this is going to work. I know I told Sam I would give you two weeks, but I don’t think I can.”
Connor observed her for a few seconds, and shefought the urge to squirm as she sat. What was he looking at? Why couldn’t he just give her an answer?
“You spoke to Sam?”
What a strange question. Why wouldn’t she talk to Sam, though she supposed he might have thought she would talk to Edwyn. “Yes. Edwyn and I don’t really make a good match. He makes me feel tense, worried, anxious . . .” Among other things. She wasn’t sure what kind of man he was. Maybe he never hit women, but the tone of his voice was too close to men who had. Those men who’d come before Edwyn would forever cloud her thoughts. She couldn’t heal with a man who put her on edge just by opening his mouth.
Connor frowned and threaded his fingers together in front of him. He was about to disappoint her. She could read that clearly in his body language.
“I’m sorry, Kelly. The coordinator at the halfway house told me they would be giving your bed to someone as soon as you left. They have a list of people who need housing and they couldn’t wait to see if you would work out here. I had to assure them that I would keep you here until you were either ready to move on or we could find a safe place for you. I can look for that if you’d really like me to, but it will take time.”
Time. Everything in her life that had gone wrong had something to do with time. When her friend had stolen her money, she’d been out of time with the bank. Foreclosure had been eminent. When she’d been held against her will to get the money back, Nathan had told her she only had to work for him a short time, then she would be free. Yet that time had never come. Now, she’d have to stay here and risk hurting Sam all over again because she had to have hurt him before if he’d walked away from her.
“You don’t look like you can stand that answer. I wish I could give you what you want, but I can’t. Can you tell me what happened so I can try to fix it?”
Not without saying something that would probably make him angry about Edwyn. And whose side would Connor take? What would he say if she told him the truth? No one asked her how she felt. No one cared about her comfort or safety. “I don’t fit well with Edwyn.” She ducked her head, waiting for him to defend his man.
“I was worried that might be the case. Edwyn is used to being a foreman, telling people what to do. He’s usually softer with guests, but even trying his best he can sound like he’s ordering people around.” Connor drummed his fingers on the desk. “Sam is working with Rebecca right now. Junior won’t have the time if you’re going to stay for as long as usual because his wife is pregnant.”
“And what if I don’t stay? If you’re going to look for a place for me to stay, then I won’t be here long.” She hadn’t met Junior yet, but he was obviously married. That might make him a little safer, if he actually cared about his wife.
“I’ll talk to him and to Edwyn and see what they think. If Junior agrees, I’ll let you know. I suspect Edwyn knew this was coming. He mentioned at our evening meeting last night that he’d failed with you.”
She jumped, locking eyes with Connor. Edwyn had admitted he’d failed her? That was shocking. “He talked to you?”
Connor nodded slightly. “Yes. We’re committed to honesty here. He was sorry and wasn’t sure what he’d done, but clearly he wasn’t the right person to work with you. So, I was planning to talk to you today at some point. I just hadn’t decided who I was going to ask to take over as your wrangler.”
She let her shoulders relax slightly. “Thank you.” The words came easy, and surprisingly, so did the feeling of gratitude. Maybe staying wouldn’t be so bad if she could avoid Sam and if they really did care about her feelings, as it seemed they did. “I promised Sam I would stay for two weeks. Do you think you could find somewhere for me to go in that time?”