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“What do you suggest?” I blink, bringing her into focus.
“We have an obstetrician on staff. I’ll see if they can fit you in today. They’ll want to do an ultrasound to check the positionof your implant and how close the fetus is before disclosing probable outcomes. If removing the implant is an option, you could have the procedure done as soon as today. You also have the choice to terminate. Whatever you decide, our OB staff specializes in high-risk pregnancies. You’ll be in excellent hands.”
I agree to meet the OB. The hours fly by, treating me like a distant observer of my life. I make snap decisions without thinking things through. If I leave with my thoughts to spend hours weighing the risks and bearing the weight of my decision, I’ll likely talk myself into doing something I’ll regret.
Once everything is done and I can’t reverse my decision, I meet Riu in the reception area. I avoid eye contact, passing him without a word, and leading the way to the car. All while viciously silencing the thoughts shouting inside my head. My soundless battle rages unnoticed by Riu or the driver for the duration of the ride home.
As soon as my foot crosses the threshold, I sense my husbands are not home. I exhale a relieved breath, glad I won’t have to face them so soon. How do I tell them I made a decision that will affect them?
I escape into my she-asis, a room Takeshi and Shinji designed to bring me peace whenever I need an escape. The white walls with splashes of sensual reds, pinks, and purples invite me to wile my day away and forget my worries. Photos of me, me and Shinji, and me and Takeshi line the wall facing where I spend the most time, the custom-built bed.
Upon entering, I head to its welcoming embrace. The bed is a mashup of smart bed meets fur-lined bean bag. With features like a massage section, speakers for music, a built-in bookcase, dimming lights, and more amenities that I’ve yet to use, it’s a miracle I ever leave this room.
Especially after a hard therapy session when I need solitude to reflect on everything my therapist discusses with me. Hard truths about myself and my tendency to overextend my ability to compartmentalize, resulting in anxiety attacks and blackouts.
But today, my need for peace isn’t because of Tomasso and Paul, though they remain a threat to my future happiness.
When I’m inches away, I see I’m not the only one answering the call to this space. In the middle of the bed, huddled on the white fur covering, are Creamsicle, the orange and white kitten, Marmalade, the solid orange tabby, and Tora, the diabolical baby abandoner.
“Licking them like your life depends on it will not see you reaching the pearly gates,” I mutter as I contort my body around their huddle.
Tora ignores me as he tends to the kittens whose eyes are closed in ecstasy and their loud purring advertises their delight.
Although I do my best to put up a front and pretend the kittens don’t affect me, their cuteness is undeniable. They’re mini-magnets and they’re set to my frequency. I suspect Takeshi and Shinji know about me and humor me by not calling me out for the liar I am.
I give up the fight to pay them no heed and drag all three of them into the circle of my arms. Tora barely glances at me before he continues bathing the others.
I play with their tiny paws, amazed that something so small could produce such overwhelming feelings of protection and fear. Creamsicle curls her paw around my finger and I can’t help but superimpose an image of a baby’s hand doing the same.
“I guess I’ll have more anxiety to look forward to,” I whisper to them. When faced with the choice of aborting an unplanned but very much wanted baby, almost certain miscarriage by keeping my IUD, a possible miscarriage by removing theimplant, or sharing my mother’s fate of dying during childbirth, today has been a day.
And on top of not consulting Takeshi and Shinji in a decision I won’t face the full ramifications of until they slap me in the face, I don’t know if I can tell them what I did today. I touch my belly with my free hand.
At any point in the next few days, I might still lose the baby nestled in my womb because I chose to remove my implant. If my life isn’t shitty enough, I now have the perfect excuse for Shinji and Takeshi to exclude me from taking Tomasso’s and Paul’s last breath. I wasn’t ready to accept their arguments last night, and I’m not ready today.
The three cats become a blur as tears silently streak down my cheek and hope and happiness seem beyond my reach.
CHAPTER 33
Takeshi
Sunlight makes a mockery of the shitstorm I’m facing by radiating happily into Katsuo’s high-rise office. Shinji’s somber mood, my thunderous spirit, and Katsuo’s silent rage are in direct contrast to the shiny rays bathing us in warmth.
Katsuo leans back in his chair. “Was I not clear about how to handle Tomasso?”
“Crystal,” I say.
“Yet he lives.”
“Oyassan, we’re working on another?—”
Katsuo glares Shinji into silence. My husband’s lack of response with his usual insouciance is a sign of his mood and how seriously he takes our boss. Because today, Katsuo isn’t my cousin and he’s not related to Shinji through our marriage. Katsuo is the Kimura dragon, and his anger has been roused.
“Oyassan,” I turn Katsuo’s attention to me. “I didn’t expect Tomasso’s nephew. He threw our plans into disarray. Nonetheless, we’re determined to follow through on our promise to Lakeshia.”
“Explain what happened.”
Between me and Shinji, we describe Paul’s impact on our operation and the result while Takeshi spins his chair to view the skyline from his window.
