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“And that’s a problem?”
“Not really.” I lead him to the comfortable seating, hoping it will give me the extra push I need. “But tonight is about whatweneed. You and me.” I take a breath before recounting the same story I told Shinji.
There are a lot of starts and stops, and my body trembles, recalling my rage and powerlessness. Despite reliving the horror, the third time around is easier than the first. Still a bitch to experience again, still full of pain, but at a level I can endure without seeking to numb it. Not that I’m seeking that solution anymore. Nothing but doing the work will make the trauma bearable. And I’m invested in doing whatever I need to fulfill the list I shared with Shinji.
Takeshi listens without interrupting, a mask of nothingness steals over his face, hiding his emotions from me. When I’m done, I sit and wait, not pushing for a reaction yet desperate for some sign from him.
As the silence lengthens, I begin to fidget in my seat. Doubts begin filtering in and one particular thought burns in my gut. “Now that you know, do you want to cancel our deal?”
“What?”
I rush to clarify. “If you don’t want me to carry your child any longer, I’m sure we can convince Shinji to find a different surrogate.”
“Why would you bring that up?”
I shrug. “Wouldn’t you wonder? The only reason you brought me here was to?—”
“That may have been the case once, but you must know… You know what? Tear up the goddamn contract.”
“Takeshi,” Shinji bursts through the door, a protest on his lips.
“No, Shinji. If a piece of paper is the only thing keeping Lakeshia with us, we’re building a relationship on a faulty foundation. Don’t you want us to last?”
Shinji’s shoulders slump while my mind whirls from his reasoning. Shinji glances between me and Takeshi. “You know I do.” He takes a seat separate from us.
Is this distance new or to help me and Takeshi?
“Then we need to start anew,” Takeshi says without meeting my gaze.
Starting anew… The idea holds a promise that makes my list seem more achievable.
“I’d like that,” I whisper, suddenly shy as if he’s asking me on my first date.
Never having to question if my worth begins and ends with providing them with a child erases the concern I shared with Shinji on our trip to Texas, but unease continues to ride my gut. Takeshi has yet to respond to my confession. He exhales a tired breath and contemplates the ceiling while Shinji and I wait in nerve-racking silence.
Between pursed lips, Takeshi asks, “Did my threat play a role in reminding you of your powerlessness?” He turns his hands over and over, curling them into fists while refusing to look at me.
“Threat? Oh!” I rush to enclose his hands in mine while kneeling on the floor. When he lowers his face to see my earnestness, I say, “Believe it or not, it only took two days for me to dismiss it.” His disbelieving scoff prompts me to explain. “Shinji wouldn’t let you, contract or no contract.”
“You’re certain?”
I jerk my head down. “As sure as I am that I hate hurting you the way I have over the past few weeks.”
“That sounds more like guilt.” He removes his hands from my grasp, surprising a bark of laughter from me.
“You should be happy I feel remorse. If you meant nothing to me, you couldn’t move me to this extent.” I grab his hands again, this time placing them over my heart. “Now that you know myreason for pushing you away, will you stand with me while I heal myself? I’d rather not do it alone.”
CHAPTER 24
Takeshi
“When was the last time you fucked Shinji?” Lakeshia asks out of the blue on our way to the kitchen, causing me to stumble before I right myself.
Shinji is over at Katsuo’s bothering Kori for food and probably pissing off Masanori at the same time. I don’t know who he thinks he’s hiding his interest from, but he only has himself to blame for Shinji’s teasing. On second thought, Kori’s reaction to him evokes a sense of her cluelessness more than willful blindness.
I glance at Lakeshia, glad my circumstances no longer align with my cousin’s. Unlike Masanori, I’m no longer in a state of turmoil over not knowing where I stand with the woman who owns my devotion. “Repeat your question.”
“When. Was. The. Last. Time. You. Fucked. Your Husband?”
