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He balks, nearly falling on his ass. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do. I need to detach, and this works best for me.”
“But… I don’t know how to look at you and not see you or not want to connect with you. I don’t know how to turn off my feelings.”
I stand, looking down at him, determined for him to understand exactly what I’m saying although it will hurt him. “Shinji, if you can’t do this, I’ll have to find the solution on my own. Neither of us wants that.”
“Lakeshia…” The light in his eyes dims, tearing at my heart.
I suppress the urge to retract my words because I know this works. Meaningless sex got me through the worst of what Paul did to me, and I’ll grasp at anything to make this pain go away again. On top of everything I’ve endured, I’m just not strong enough to endure this right now. One day, I want to be.
I want to be the woman Shinji and Takeshi can stand beside, not the one they have to shore up with weak stilts buried in quicksand.
Shinji nods, defeated in a way I never want to see him. “Okay, for you, I’ll try.”
I dip my head and strip off my top. “Lie on the bed and don’t touch me.”
Although he doesn’t say anything, his Adam’s apple bobs as if he’s swallowing words to talk me out of my current course. While approaching the bed, he undresses.
His hard muscles react to every movement but I avert my gaze. Falling into the trap that is Shinji’s beautiful body will not get me to my goal. Being enraptured by him will only make things worse.
I remove the rest of my clothes and mount Shinji without delay, grace, or ceremony. Impaling myself on him gives me a tenth of a second of relief before I stare into his face.
However, what I’m seeking isn’t there. He slams his eyes closed, cutting me off from him like I asked. I ride him, chasing some unknown relief that won’t come no matter how hard I work his body. The usual numbness is so distant as to be impossible to reach.
What is near, however, adds to my torment. Shinji fists his hands to stop himself from reaching out to me. He’s a fuck doll beneath me, neither encouraging nor discouraging me from taking what I need from him; an act of pain for him in his rapidly flexing jaw and quivering nostrils.
What have I done by asking him to do this? Nothing about this coupling is helping me. If anything, I’m only hurting myself more. And Shinji…
He suffers in silence to give me what I told him I needed because of my unfair ultimatum, and witnessing his torment is somehow worse.
I fall off him, nowhere close to coming, and hug his neck tight, hiding the tears that flow more freely than they ever have. “I’m sorry,” I whisper the refrain over and over, unable to articulate what I actually want to say. That his pain only feeds mine more. That I’m a piece of shit for ever suggesting he lock off his emotions to give me something meaningless because that cure-all no longer works. But I don’t know if I can manage the level of intimacy he craves from me without traumatizing the both of us.
“Please hold me,” I beg, abandoning my pride and the brittle shell I put up for my protection. My sobbing is no longer quiet and my body convulses in his embrace, making a mockery of my attempt to hide how affected I am.
Shinji’s body slowly loses its rigidness and he wraps his arms around me. “Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you. I swear on my life.”
I dip my head, knowing he’s being honest. But how can he give me what I need when I don’t know? I’m in the same position as when we first entered the room, maybe worse. Because now there’s a desperate craving for the connection he wants us to share but I have no idea how to accept it.
CHAPTER 22
Takeshi
I’m losing my husband and the woman who’s meant to be ours, and I don’t have a fucking clue how to fix things.
For the past two days since their return from Texas, Shinji and Lakeshia have barely spoken a word to each other or me if it doesn’t involve Lakeshia’s revenge.
The only clue I have is Shinji’s cryptic, “Don’t push us to talk about what happened. Just be here for us when we need you.”
From the minimal information I have, they contacted Perla and convinced the woman she needs the Giametti’s protection. Despite the minor victory, no one is celebrating, and I’m about done waiting.
I glance from Shinji to Lakeshia. Despite their distance, there’s an underlying closeness of people who share a big secret.
Our bedroom has become a desolate place where none of us joke, share anything from the silly to the serious, and worse, we don’t touch. I’ve gotten too many, not nows to stomach the cracks forming in our relationship.
“Shinji, a word.” I nod toward the door leading out of our command center. It’s the only room Lakeshia and Shinji seem the most normal around me. I bet it’s Ichiro’s presence. He lends an air of normalcy to our days when the sentiment is far from reality.
I lead my husband to the backyard. As soon as I sit on a patio chair, a black ball of fur jumps on my lap. I’m not in the mood to coddle Tora, however, I scratch beneath his chin while I address my husband.
