AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Although I could speak for Takeshi, he’s not here and I’ll only address my actions. I have no interest in faking a relationship with you, and I can’t pretend I don’t feel more than lust for you, or that you aren’t a song that lives in my heart right next to the one Takeshi put there years ago.”
“Shinji, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
I caress Lakeshia’s cheek. “Something you should know about me is I know my heart better than anyone else. And every glimpse into your life, your character, and your mind only embeds you deeper.” I place her hand over my heart. “So, how do I show you what you mean to me without pushing you into an episode?”
CHAPTER 21
Lakeshia
A somber air surrounds us as we enter a luxury hotel suite. The solemn mood has dogged us ever since I shrugged Shinji’s question away without a response. He takes our bags and unpacks everything into the closet and dresser while I watch in silence on the couch.
No matter what I say to myself, I can’t block out Shinji’s words. They bombard me at every moment, forcing me to reflect on trauma I thought long healed. The lessons I learned to protect myself are embedded deep within my psyche. So, why do I feel so unsettled?
After a terrible experience in college, I abandoned any hope of meeting someone who sees me for who I am instead of what I can do for them. I’m not supposed to want to wake up every day with expectations of never being alone again. I’m not supposed to envy Shinji and Takeshi for finding each other when there is no future for me. I’m also not supposed to look into their eyes and see the hopes they pin on me that have more to do with me than with the baby they want from my womb.
Shinji and Takeshi are supposed to be like everyone else in my past, but they’re not. I accepted being their surrogate, but anything deeper threatens the barriers I’ve erected to protect myself.
Recalling Shinji’s warmth surrounding me, demanding nothing of me but selflessly giving his support and comfort leaves my body shaky. At any moment, I fear another kind word or gesture from Shinji will plunge me back into my painful past.
“I’m guessing you never talked to anyone about what happened to cause this reaction in you.” A blurry image of Shinji’s warm brown eyes confronts me as he wipes my cheeks with a tissue.
I raise my hand to touch the area and find it wet, realizing I’m crying again. Even this is something I don’t do often. Usually only when physical pain overwhelms me and I have no other outlet. Yet, I’ve been with Shinji and Takeshi for less than a month and I’ve cried more often than I have in ten years.
“What would be the point? I can’t change what happened.” I take the tissue from him and dry my face.
“We’ll find you someone when we get home.” He stands, his posture firm and undaunted.
“You aren’t going to make me talk it out with you?”
He cups my cheek, a sad whisper of a smile ghosting his face. “I’ll always be a willing ear. What I won’t do is demand you tell me what’s bothering you before you’re ready.”
“What if I’m never ready?” I crumple the tissue in my hands.
“We’ll find a way to cope that you can live with.”
“It’s that simple for you?” I scoff.
The hint of a smile disappears from Shinji’s face. “Not even a little. Whatever is eating at you is going to consume you if we don’t do something about it, and it will break my heart to watch you struggle. I don’t know if I can do anything to help, but I will be ready whenever you are to attack your problems with you.”
He sighs and drops beside me and stretches his legs onto the center table. “One day, you’re going to have to decide if you want to keep living in pain or find the medicine that will either cure it or alleviate it.”
Tears begin flowing again, an uncontrollable outpouring as his words sink in. No one has ever fought for me to help myself before. I’ve always been the lone warrior on my side. And… I’m so fucking exhausted.
I deny myself everything outside of what I need for my vengeance. It’s easier to do when I don’t have hope dangling before me every waking moment. How am I supposed to stay strong when Shinji and Takeshi have already made a space for me in their lives that doesn’t feel temporary? A space I want to grab hold of and never let go.
Shinji laces our fingers together. The warm gesture, so innocent and undemanding, nearly unravels me again.
“I had a boyfriend once.” The admission escapes the prison I’ve kept it in, barely a whisper, yet the five simple words loosen the locks, and more words escape.
“We met in college. He was the first guy I got close to. Fell in love with. For two months, we dated and every day felt like… hope. I began to believe in a future with him. In having a family…” With each word, my stomach cramps. I can’t keep the confession at bay any longer, but disclosing the truth hurts.
Shinji wraps me in his arms. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Don’t you want to know?”
“Yes, but for the right reasons. Don’t tell me something because I’m pressuring you. If I am, just tell me to fuck off. Only you get to determine who knows your story.”
A broken chuckle bursts from my lips. “Yeah, but once I tell you, you’ll tell Takeshi. You don’t keep secrets from each other.”
