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“That asshole!” I almost topple my plate in my agitation. “You would never do something like that.”
“I know, but the fact that he didn’t know that about me pretty much sealed our fate.” She barks a watery laugh. “He said so many more vile things to me. I didn’t think he could hurt me any more, but I would be wrong.” Jazzy pulls tissue from her shorts pocket and blows her nose. “You know after he said that mess to me, he came back and said I could keep the house? Like I would ever take a penny from him after everything he said.”
“Do you want me to help you pack? I can start hauling boxes to my place until you get yourself situated.”
Jazzy holds out her hand. “No, what I need right now is to not talk about the shit show my life has become. Tell me what drove you to my doorstep when you’ve got Hottie McHotpants on yours. I need feel-good vibes right now.”
“I don’t know if I can deliver on those vibes. I’m a mass of confusion.” I fork a strawberry into my mouth. “Cameron and I had a date on Saturday.”
“I’m liking where this is going so far. Where did you go? What did you do?”
My cheeks heat and I avoid looking in Jazzy’s direction when I confess where we went.
“Thank fucking God! Does this mean the V-card is retired?”
“You will never know. Besides, that’s not why I’m here. Cameron told me he loved me and I didn’t say anything back. Now things are super awkward and I don’t know what to do.”
Jazzy twists to face me and gathers Jackpot in her lap. “First off, how do you feel about him?”
I open my mouth but the words stall in my throat. I look helplessly at Jazzy. “I’m terrified I won’t know how to recognize what love is. He’s such a good man, but he’s the first man I’ve felt anything for. Isn’t it too early? What if I’m infatuated with him and I end up hurting him? I couldn’t live with myself if I caused him pain.”
“Kiwi, the fact that you are worried about his feelings is a good sign. What else do you feel? And think about when you’re with him and when you’re apart.”
I blindly maul the cake in front of me, not paying attention to the mess I make. “When I’m with him, I feel like I can trust him, and you know that doesn’t come easy for me. He’s honest and considerate. And when we’re apart, he’s always in my thoughts. It’s like I’m never alone because thinking about him is almost as good as having him beside me. Even talking about him now, my chest radiates warmth.”
“And I’m sure he isn’t too shabby at the sex thing either.”
“He sure isn’t—Jazzy! How did I let you trick me into telling you that?”
“I know when to get you to admit to things you want to avoid. That dreamy look on your face while you talked about Cam-er-on”—Jazzy flutters her eyes like a cartoon character—“was my sign to find out the truth. So his dick game is on point, I respect that.” She nods in approval.
“But is it so good I’m confusing what I’m feeling?”
“I can’t answer that for you. Is confusion the only thing holding you back from telling him how you feel?”
I sit with her question and try to sparse my emotions and the time Cameron and I shared together. “I… Cameron is going through some issues of his own and I wonder if his profession was driven by his emotional upheaval. Since he hasn’t told me what he’s going through, I guess I question if he isn’t confusing love with something else, too.”
“That’s valid. Have you tried to find out what’s going on with him? I’ve heard communication is key, but you should take anything I say with a grain of salt.” Jazzy points to the packing boxes. “I’m not a relationship guru as evidenced by my shit everywhere but where I thought they belonged.”
I choke back a giggle. “I still value your insight. To your question, I’ve been operating under the he’ll-tell-me-when-he’s-ready assumption. Is it right for me to push harder since we haven’t known each other for long?”
There is something else holding me back, but I don’t tell Jazzy. The main reason I haven’t pushed Cameron to tell me what’s happening with his burnout is that I haven’t shared my role in my parents’ death with him or Jazzy. I don’t know if I’m prepared to open that wound, so how can I demand he do what I’m unable to do?
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
Cameron
Since Saturday a distance has grown between Kenya and myself. At first I thought the sex was too intense and she was experiencing the same anxiety that caused her to run from me on our first night together, but she assured me that wasn’t the case. Her appetite for me hasn’t waned, so I have no reason to doubt her.
The only thing I can think of is my confession. I don’t regret telling her how I feel. Although I’m disappointed that she didn’t say the words back to me, I can’t fault her for not saying them out of a misguided sense of obligation. Waiting for the words isn’t a hardship. I will continue to love her. I don’t have a choice.
“I thought you would have been long gone by now,” Pedro’s voice startles me out of my reverie. “Why are you in the courtyard by yourself? Are you waiting for Kenya?”
“No, she went to Felicidad to meet with her friend Jazzy.”
Pedro sits on the bench beside me. “I’m actually happy to hear that. I haven’t been able to find you alone often.”
“You’ve got me at your disposal.”
