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Something heavy is sitting on my chest. I can’t breathe, and my heart is racing so fast it’s bound to explode at any minute.
My legs have become jelly.
I sink to the ground, unable to hold my own weight.
The cool wood of the floor is soothing against my burning cheek, but it doesn’t stop my body from shaking like an anxious chihuahua.
I try to speak, but all that comes out are pathetic mewls and hiccups.
It disgusts me how pathetic I feel right now. I’m supposed to be past this. He’s not supposed to have this effect on me anymore.
A cool cloth settles on the back of my neck, making me startle. I pry my eyes open and see my mother leaning over me. The look in her eyes is enough to make my heart break. I try to open my mouth and apologize, but all that comes out is a croak.
“It’s okay,” she soothes. “Don’t rush. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
Mom disappears from my line of sight for a moment but comes back with my weighted blanket.
As it settles over my body, the shaking slows to a stop.
The combination of the cool cloth on the back of my neck and her hands stroking my hair helps me regulate my breathing.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be such a baby.”
Her hands still in my hair.
“There is nothing to be sorry for, and you are not acting like a baby.”
“I’m laying on the ground crying. What else would you call that?” I ask bitterly.
“A trauma response,” she says gently.
“I should have better control of myself.”
“If Leo was hurt so badly he was crying, would you call him a baby and expect him to apologize to you?”
I shake my head.
“So if you wouldn’t treat your baby like that, why do you think I would treat my baby that way?”
I bite the inside of my cheek to try to keep myself from crying again, but it doesn’t work.
“It’s alright. Just let it all out. I’ve got you.”
It takes a while, but I eventually run out of tears.
“You never should have been made to feel like your emotions are wrong. I’m so sorry, Honey.” She sighs. “I just wish I could do more for you than this.”
I scoot closer and rest my head in her lap. “This is more than enough.”
“Are you ready to stand up now?”
“I don’t think I can yet. My legs still feel like rubber.”
“Will more information be helpful, or do you think it will make things worse?”
“I need to know everything you’re able to tell me,” I say, pushing myself into a sitting position. “I can’t keep us safe if I’m in the dark about things.”
“Well, I heard about this from Madge, and she’s always been reliable with information like this. Honestly, that’s the only reason she stays in touch with them.”
