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“That’s ridiculous. I don’t control her.”
“Are you sure?”
“Maybe, sometimes. Look, where is she? This is pointless without her here.”
“You’ll have to ask her that. She was distraught when she left.”
“Thank you, doctor,” I rise from the couch and grab my briefcase.
“We still have some time left.”
“I need to speak to her.”
I race out of his office before he could reply, hoping to get back to our apartment before she did something drastic. When I got there, she was nowhere in sight. It didn’t even look like she’d come home. I texted her, which I should have done when I was in the cab.
Where are you? We need to talk.
I’m staying with my parents. There isn’t much to say right now.
Lana, what can I do to make this right?
I need some space and time to think.
For how long?
Lana didn’t answer me back, and fear gnawed deep in my belly. Was this it? Did she want to end it? I hadn’t eaten all day but I couldn’t now. I was nauseous. I went to bed early, neglecting the work I needed to do. It was a waste of time because I lay in bed starring at the ceiling and worrying that I was on the verge of losing her.
I kept checking my phone, hoping that she would text me, but none came. She was angry, I got that, but we needed to work this out. Next month we were going to be married, and I was excited for her to be my wife. I admitted to myself that I hadn’t been at my best the past few weeks. Lana deserved better, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t give up control of my office.
The next morning I dragged myself out of bed and stood under the rain shower for forty-five minutes. The water felt good on my skin, but it didn’t help to calm my insides, which were a knotted mess. I resisted the urge to contact Lana. I wanted to give her the space she had asked for and respect her wishes.
The entire day, I found my mind drifting. I was angry, and when Virgil Yellen called to thank me for my help the day before, I wanted to blurt out that it was his fault my impending marriage was in jeopardy. But I was professional and accepted his praise.
I left the office at 4:00, canceling a meeting I had with Henry. I couldn’t bear to sit still even though, based on previous progress reports, it was probably good news. I rescheduled for the next day.
As I opened the door to our apartment, I half expected to see Lana’s face and then realized she was still at work and wouldn’t walk in the door until 5:30. However, I stopped short when I got to the kitchen, my briefcase slipping out of my hand and hitting the floor with a thud.
Sitting on the spacious granite island was a piece of white stationery with Lana’s initials on the header. On top of the note sat her engagement ring. I gently slid the ring aside to read what she had written.
Zane,
I’m not a priority in your life, and it makes no sense to carry this on any longer. I can’t be second best. I’ve tried to be patient and hope that you would realize I should come first, but I know I never will. That makes me sad. You have a mistress, and it’s Eltech. I can’t compete with her, and I shouldn’t have to. I wish things could’ve been different.
I wish you luck with everything. I hope it all turns out the way you want. I’m taking some time off to get my head together. Please respect my privacy, and don’t contact me.
Regards,
Lana
That was it. Nothing further. Despite her wishes, I called her cell, but the number had been disconnected. Every trace of her was removed from the apartment. Not a stitch of clothing remained, and she even took or threw out any bath products she used. It was like she never lived here.
I was devastated and spent the next few weeks like a ghost, trying to be invisible. I hid in my office most days and survived on coffee, honey buns, and pizza during that time. I stopped working out regularly and would hit the streets only when I was particularly angry. I needed an outlet before I exploded on someone who didn’t deserve that treatment.
I would run hard skirting traffic and ignoring the do not walk signs. What the fuck did I have to live for? Lana was gone. I couldn’t stand being in my apartment alone. Like a vagrant, I slept on my friend’s couches, but even that became torturous. I couldn’t stand the pity that I saw in Harry, Miguel, and even Paige’s eyes.
My little sister had warned me that Lana would leave me if I didn’t learn how to balance my work and home life. I wondered if she knew something before I did. Did Lana tell her? We had a heated argument about it, and Ben asked me to leave before we said things we couldn’t take back.
By late August, I was adjusting to life without Lana. It wasn’t easy, but it was obvious she wasn’t coming back. I plunged myself into work, staying at the office until the cleaning crew got to my floor around eight in the evening. On rare occasions, I would stop by Clancy’s for a drink; tonight, I needed one.
