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“I want you more than you know. I never stopped, but my guilt holds me back.”
“Why? Because you couldn’t protect us? You didn’t know! We survived. We’re alive and healthy. The only thing that’s broken is my heart.”
I watch as Chase works his jaw, flexing the muscles. I’m not sure if our conversation is over, but I pick up my bags to go. He leans in, and his lips brush against my cheek. Then I feel him press his nose against my neck and inhale. When he pulls back, his eyes are brimming with unshed tears.
“I never meant to hurt you or CJ. I didn’t know what to do. My life growing up wasn’t the greatest. I always doubted I could make you happy. Barrett was just one more thing that told me the Pearce family isn’t meant to have lasting relationships.”
“Barrett was wrong. He internalized that rather than letting it go. He wanted you to be miserable like him. He wasn’t able to escape the grip of your family’s legacy. Don’t let him destroy you, us! I need you. I love you so much that it hurts, and sometimes I lie in the dark, wondering if I’ll ever be able to love someone as much as I love you. I can’t.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“Chase, you need to stop being afraid of the future. You can overcome whatever you want. What happened to my strong, confident man? The man that I fell in love with? The one that always called me Miss Stanford when he wanted to make a point.”
“He got lost along the way.”
“I want you in my life,” I insist. “I want CJ to know his father and to have a loving relationship with you. You’re not your father.”
Chase doesn’t say anything to me, just looks at the floor. I don’t know what else I can say, so I start for the doors. I need to get back home before I collapse in exhaustion. Shopping is not my favorite thing to do. Silently, I pass through the doors out onto the sidewalk. It’s chilly, and the wind has picked up since I first went inside.
I wonder if anything I said sunk into Chase. Although I want him back in my life, and even if he decides that I’m not for him, I strongly believe he needs to be there for CJ. As I start my walk along Fifth Avenue, hoping I can hail a cab, the sidewalk is full of people looking at the decorated windows, and I find it hard to pass through the throngs. Suddenly, I feel a tug on the bags that I’m holding in my left hand. I wheel around, prepared for the worst, but find Chase.
“Can I help? You look tired,” he comments as if nothing was wrong.
I consider his offer. Eventually, I thank him as I hand him the bags.
“Can I see CJ tonight?” he asks a little way down the sidewalk. “I miss him. I miss my boy, and I miss you.”
I’m about to say something when he turns to hail a cab. A driver stops short and pops the trunk so we can load the bags. I’m not quite sure what Chase is doing, but he holds the door open for me, and I slide in with him following.
“What time do you want to come to see CJ?” I ask a minute later.
“Can I come now? I can help you with your packages.”
“Hunter and Rory are babysitting. Would you feel comfortable with them there?”
He shrugs. “I have to see them sometime. This isn’t just for CJ. We need to talk.”
We need to do more than talk.
“Yes, I agree,” I reply diplomatically.
Chase pulls a glove off my hand and caresses it with his own. Right away, the skin to skin contact is causing an old flame to ignite in my belly. Such a simple touch warms my body to the point where I can feel myself getting wet. How does he always have this effect on me? I shift uncomfortably in my seat.
Traffic is heavy, and it takes extra time to get to my apartment. From the minute he took my hand after getting into the cab, Chase never let up on his hold. My body is on fire from his prolonged touch. After pulling up to the curb, he pays the driver, and we retrieve the bags from the trunk.
“Are you ready for this?” I ask him on the elevator ride up.
“This is for you and CJ. I can’t hide in my apartment anymore.”
Steadying myself, I pop open the door. Hunter is sitting on the floor with CJ, and they’re both playing with some toy cars. Upon spotting Chase, he raises his eyebrows in question. Rory, who appears from around the corner, is more cordial and says hello.
“Chase is here to see CJ,” I explain. “Was he a good boy?”
“Very good, though it’s becoming a job in itself to keep him away from the Christmas tree.”
I laugh because it’s true. CJ is fascinated with the lights and ornaments, so keeping him safe has become an everyday task. Chase kneels in front of CJ and strokes his dark hair. We all watch as CJ reacts to him immediately.
“Dada,” he coos while pointing.
