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“No, Mom. You can talk about Paul. He’s actually here right now.”
“He is?” Her voice was as excited as my own.
“Yes, he came back, and we talked.”
“That’s good, but that has you worried?”
“Yes…no…I don’t know. He says he wants to be together, but he’s afraid to ask me to put his needs first. I mean, his life and needs are complicated.”
“Not so complicated, Nadia. You need to be honest with yourself. He’s older and an accomplished celebrity living in a luxurious, secluded bubble. To be with him, that’s your future.” Her tone was even, but my stomach flipped. Would choosing to be a mom first disappoint her?
“And you disapprove?” I chewed on my lip.
“It’s not for me to tell you what to do.”
“But Mom, that’s what you do.” We laughed.
“Seriously, you knew all that, but there is something else….”
Mom always knew when I was holding something back.
“Paul told me he wants babies.”
“Babies?” Mom’s voice rose with delight. “Sorry. I keep promising myself I won’t get excited about grandchildren, but I can’t help it. Everyone I meet here keeps sending me cute videos of their grandchildren sleeping,” she half-joked. “That’s what I wish for one day, but I’d still be happy even if it never happened. Now, what do you want, Nadia?”
“I don’t know. When I thought I was pregnant, I was ready and willing. I want children, too—”
“When you’re married—” Mom cut in. “Call me old-fashioned all day, but I haven’t heard that word mentioned. If he wants babies, he better plan on marrying you.”
“He didn’t say marriage.”
“What did Paul say?” Her tone wasn’t exactly delighted.
“He said that he wants me to live a life without him before making a decision to be with him because he’s afraid I’ll resent him or regret it, like he thinks his wife Aubrey had.”
“Oh, I see. Such a terrible shame what happened to her. He’s cautious, and that’s good. You’re both at very different places in your lives; that can’t be ignored. He’s lived more life than you. I think he’s doing the right thing.”
I slumped on the bed. “But I don’t care. I don’t need to wait to get a life when I already know I love him. You knew you loved Dad in high school—”
“But I also dated other guys, too. He’s the love of my life, but not my first love.”
Mom never talked about dating other men. Then again, when did we ever really have conversations about men when I spent so much of my time pushing men away in fear that I’d end up pregnant and alone? And in a way, Paul did leave. He’s still so heavily involved in my life, though. “It’s all so much to try to figure out, Mom. I just know I love him, and I would have wanted our baby. And I’d still want to build a life with him, including children.”
“But I believe Paul is right about you not living much on your own. It sounds like he wants you to have some freedom there—or as much as you can without his interference. Go be a designer, go on adventures. And if you’ve done some living and you still choose to go into his complex private life, you’ll go in fully knowing what you’ve signed up for.”
I hadn’t fully understood what Paul meant when he talked about Aubrey. But from what I knew now, she had a hard life, but she also had an independent one. She hadn’t lived inside his complex private life until they had already fallen in love, whereas I’d fallen in love with Paul while in an arrangement. I love him more still.
“Think on it, Nadia.”
“Okay, Mom.” I sighed heavily. “I’ll give myself time. The internship has so much going on already. Where’s Dad?”
“He’s playing poker with Gunnar.”
I tensed. “Gunnar? Gunnar’s there?”
“Yep. Dad’s using every horrible joke he has in his arsenal, but Gunnar is giving him a run for his money. It’s quite entertaining.”
“But, hmm. I don’t know why he came instead of sending Ben or someone else.”
