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Iusually had a vehement dislike for people who made noise unnecessarily. Gray hummed whenever his spirits were particularly high, which meant that he had been humming continuously since the moment I had laid my head on his thigh, one soft tune after another, as his fingers ran through my hair.
Darkness enveloped us, and aside from his humming, the only thing that broke the silence of the night was the chirping of crickets.
"Every time I run my fingers through your hair, it seems like you're about to fall asleep," he said.
I exhaled. "Because it's relaxing."
Though I was reluctant to admit it, my eyes felt heavier than they had just a few minutes earlier. Plus, the constant streams of thoughts had quieted, making it even more pleasant.
Despite wanting to open my eyes and look up at his face to see what was going on, I kept them closed and simply enjoyed the moment. "No one else gets to do this apart from you," I noted after a few more moments.
"Special privileges, huh?" he asked.
I shrugged nonchalantly, which was difficult in my lying position.
"And no one else has worn my shirts either," he said.
"Special privileges, huh?" I echoed his words in the same tone.
It wasn't the first time since my arrival that we had found ourselves on the porch in front of the cabin, though it was definitely the first time we had been this close.
"Will you tell me how you're feeling?"
This time, I opened my eyes wide. "And disturb the peace?"
My excitement dipped a bit, probably because I hadn't expected Gray to ask me about that particular topic. We talked about many things, skirted around numerous subjects, and of all moments, he chose this one to ask me a question I hadn't allowed myself to even think about lately.
"I should feel guilty, but it just doesn't catch up to me. Nor does any form of grief. I just keep realizing that, in some ways, I have more with you now than I did in the past few years with him." And that's without us ever ending up in bed together.
Gray's presence. The way he subtly took care of me. Moments like this. That sprinkle of something special. The only guilt I felt was because I still believed I shouldn't get too close to Gray, considering it had only been a few days since I came here from Toronto.
Despite Manon's encouragement, which I had received for the second time this week. Despite Wilder's words and the undeniable attraction between Gray and me, which expressed itself in words and glances. It took my breath away, haunted my dreams, and made me feel like I'd been living under a constant buzz for days.
He made me feel good on so many levels, while I was overthinking what it all could mean.
Even though our conversation wasn't as light anymore, his fingers lingered in my hair, gliding over my head. The relaxation persisted, even if the rest challenged me.
"Which only answers half of my question."
"Overall, I'm fine, I guess. I don't regret it." Which, honestly, wasn't a new revelation. The first couple of nights, I had slept very little, my thoughts keeping me awake.
About the past. About how I felt when I found out George had cheated on me—only to realize that Gray had started to ensure it didn't affect me as negatively as it could have.
It was easy to doubt your own worth when something like that happened, but Gray communicated something to me without many words that I could never have taught myself.
"It knocked me off-kilter for a very long time," he shared.
"Was it a happy marriage?" We had avoided this subject, too, but as soon as the words left my mouth, I realized I had no problem discussing his ex-wife.
It was a relationship that belonged to the past—it had shaped him both positively and negatively. So why keep silent and pretend like it didn't exist?
"We had our good times and bad times. That's just the way it was. But she never had to doubt me."
I could say the same about my ex-boyfriend. "So there's always one person who chooses the partner despite all the difficulties and one who… does not. For whatever reasons."
"Pretty black and white, don't you think?"
"In our cases, the statistics are spot-on."
