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But I’m a second too slow.
He slides, crying out now, and then goes into the water, fully submerged.
Ella lets out a bloodcurdling scream, and I can hear Magnus running as fast as he can behind me, but I’m already launching myself onto the ice. I’m not the size of Bjorn and it immediately breaks underneath me.
I sink down into the water, it goes over my head, and it’s so cold, so cold, that I’m sure my heart has stopped and that I’m going to die here. I can’t think, the air is frozen in my lungs, and I open my eyes to near darkness, this inky, deep gray blue surrounded by bubbles.
I could let myself go. I could just let myself sink. There’s a part of me that wants to, that thinks I should, that maybe this is what I deserve. How would the world change without me in it? It wouldn’t even notice. It would probably be better off. My parents seemed to think so. My father certainly thought so. My ex-wife thought so too. They all probably wished I would just disappear into the ocean one day and never return.
But as tempting as it is to just sink, I know I can’t.
Because the world would notice if I was gone.
Because an innocent little boy would be taken with me.
Bjorn! I yell inside my head, and I’m frantically splashing around, trying to get feeling in my limbs while I’m running out of air, and then I see him, his eyes open and staring at me, alive but drowning.
I grab him and I kick, and in seconds we burst through the surface.
I’ve got you, I try to tell him, but I can’t speak. I can’t even take in any more air. I use all the strength I have to swim toward the end of the dock where Magnus is reaching down. I’m sinking as I try to hold Bjorn above water.
Magnus grasps Bjorn by the arms and pulls him out of the water, and I push through the surface again, the current taking me a few inches away from Magnus. He quickly hands Bjorn to Ella, then lies down on the edge and tries to reach for me.
“Come on, James,” he says as I’m about to sink again. “Kick, you shitbag. Just a few more inches.”
I’m starting to feel myself slip away. It’s so cold that I can’t even think, the ice affecting my brain, my will.
I’m starting not to care.
I did my duty.
“James, please!” Laila yells at me as the water starts to go over my head, her voice becoming muffled. “James! Come on, please!”
The sound of her pain…
Somehow I muster up all the strength that I have and kick as hard as I can until I break through the surface and am closer to the dock.
Magnus grabs the top of my coat, pulling me closer, then grabs me by the arms and hauls me up onto the dock.
“Ambulance is on the way,” I hear Lady Jane say, as I’m turned over on my side and I cough out water.
“He’s in shock,” Laila says. “Where are the blankets?” Her arms go around me, trying to hold me to her, as if to give me her warmth. It’s not working, and yet I don’t ever want her to let go.
“They’re coming,” Magnus says grimly, and I feel him smack my arm. “You’re going to pull through, James, just know that. Just stay with us, okay?”
My teeth are chattering so hard I can hardly hear him, and I think I’ve already cracked a tooth. “B-Bjorn?” I try to say.
“He’s fine,” Magnus says. “He’s got blankets on him—he’s okay. You saved him.” He looks over his shoulder. “Look, we have blankets for you now.”
“The ambulance is here,” I hear Einar say.
Suddenly blankets appear and Laila is wrapping one around me, tears streaming down her face.
“There you go again,” she says to me, her voice shaking though she’s attempting a smile through her tears. “Always saving someone.”
“It’s…” I try to speak but I can’t form the words. I can’t stop shaking.
It’s my job, I finish in my head.
