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I’ve ruined everything.
Panic floods through me, and I try to pull away, but he holds me tighter.
“Laila,” he says, his voice going tender. “Don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, and I really am. I feel like an idiot. I don’t know what I was thinking.
“Don’t apologize,” he tells me, and he’s kissing me again, holding me against him. “Just please, don’t tell me you’re falling for me.”
I pause.
“Why not?” I ask, feeling a little angry now.
He runs his fingers through my hair, as if trying to comfort me.
“Because I can’t give you what you need,” he tells me. “I can’t give you what you deserve.”
I swallow, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.
“What if I don’t deserve anything?” I ask, my voice catching.
“Don’t say that. You deserve the world, Laila, but I can’t give that to you.”
“Stop saying that,” I tell him. “Stop saying you can’t give me what I deserve. You’re here now.”
He doesn’t respond to that. He just lies there, holding me, and I can feel his chest rising and falling.
“I’m here now,” he finally says, as if thinking about it. “I can give you that, at least for a little while. I can be here for you.”
“Then that’s all I need,” I tell him.
“No,” he says. “No, that’s not what you need. You deserve so much more.”
“I don’t want more,” I tell him, feeling fucking ridiculous, like I’m bargaining with him to stay in my life, to keep things status quo. “I only want you.”
“I’m not sure that’s enough,” he tells me. “I can’t…I won’t be able to…You need so much more than I can give.”
I stare at him. How many times have I heard that I’m “too much” for someone?
“Who hurt you?” I ask, suddenly angry. “Who broke your heart so badly you can’t even let yourself feel anything for me?”
He blinks at me, surprised at my outrage. I’m surprised myself. I’m in dangerous territory. I try not to let myself get angry often, because when I do it’s like the rage blinds me and I say terrible things, things that I might not even mean.
He then gives his head a shake and gets out of bed.
“I’m sorry,” I plead, quickly reaching for him, but he’s already on his feet. “I didn’t mean that.”
“You knew that this had to remain this way,” he says through a harsh whisper, putting his clothes back on.
“Nothing has changed,” I tell him. “Nothing at all. So I told you I’m falling you for you, so what?”
“So what?” he says, an edge to his voice. “So what? I don’t want you to fall for me, Laila, not if I’m going to break your heart.”
“Then don’t break my heart,” I tell him.
He shakes his head again. “This was a mistake.”
“It’s not a mistake,” I cry out, sitting up on my knees. “I’m just…I developed feelings and I shouldn’t have, but it doesn’t have to change anything between us. We can just keep having sex, keep having fun.”
