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“Maybe it’s the same for me,” I tell her, spearing a potato with a fork.
“You’re not going to warm that up?” she asks, looking horrified.
I shrug. “Too lazy.”
She doesn’t look impressed. “So you think no one is good enough for you? No, I don’t think that’s it.”
I point my potato at her. “Hey, I have standards.”
“I’m sure you do. But in the four months that you’ve been working here, living in this house, I haven’t seen you go on a single date, haven’t even heard you talk about a single boy.”
“Boy,” I snort. “I date men, Lady Jane. Just not at the moment. I’m busy, if you can’t tell.”
“You have your days off.”
“And you really expect me to date a guy on Sundays only? Never mind the fact that I’m seeing my grandmother on those days?”
“It just doesn’t seem right,” she says after a moment. “You know, Ella was single for so long before she and Magnus became involved. I know she wasn’t quite sold on him in the beginning, but I was just so happy for her to be with someone.”
“But I’m sure Ella would have been fine if she stayed single too.”
She sighs and has a loud sip of her tea. “I suppose. But you know, she was never as happy as she was when she fell in love with Magnus. Even if she would have been fine, I would have hated for her to miss out on all the good stuff.”
“Well, I’m doing just fine,” I tell her, feeling defensive. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Besides, I’m focused on this job right now, this career. The rest, the falling in love and getting a boyfriend, that can come later.” Or, like, never. The less hassle in my life, the better, in my opinion. The more detached from people you are, the safer you’ll be. I learned that the hard way.
“Hmmph,” she says, leaning back in her chair and fixing me with her gaze. “You know what I think it is? Someone broke your heart.”
Oh boy. Here we go. Even though Lady Jane is Ella’s lady-in-waiting, she’s become this meddling mother figure for everyone in the house. I’m not saying it’s all bad, but if you have a problem, she will definitely try to solve it for you—regardless of whether you want her to or not.
“No one broke my heart,” I tell her, and I’m not really lying either. I don’t think I’d fallen in love with James; I’d just fallen in very strong lust with him, and he took that lust and twisted it around until it snapped in two. I had all the rejection of a broken heart but with twice the bitterness.
“Uh-huh,” she says, taking another sip of her tea.
I finish my potatoes quicker now, afraid of where this conversation might go.
“So James is a nice man,” she says in a cheery voice. A little too cheery.
“He is,” I say, smashing the last potato in my mouth so I don’t have to talk.
“I have to admit, I found it kind of strange that you worked together for so long in London, hadn’t seen each other for at least a year, and then his first day here, you don’t even show up for dinner.”
I attempt to swallow. Was I that obvious?
I shrug, getting to my feet and taking the dish to the sink to wash it since the dishwasher is already running. “I was tired. How often do I get a night off to just be alone in my room?”
She thinks that over. “Maybe. Or maybe you don’t like James.”
I give her a very fake incredulous look as I rinse the dish, squirting out the soap. “What are you talking about?”
Her eyes dance beneath her blunt bangs. “That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t like him. Something happened at the Fairfaxes’, and now you hold a grudge.”
How is she this astute? She must be reaching.
I need to keep my cool.
As much as Lady Jane is a servant, part of the staff, like the rest of us nonroyals, I know I can’t confide in her. If I ever told her the truth of what happened between James and me, not only would she watch our every move like a hawk, but I have no doubt she would tell Ella. The lady can’t keep any secrets. And then Ella would go about finding another nanny. One who can control her beloved children better and hasn’t slept with the new bodyguard.
I dry off the dish with a towel and shake my head. “You’re the one who needs to get out of the house,” I tell her. “You’re making up fantasies.”
