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He realizes I’m too old for him.
Too damaged.
Too much baggage.
He met someone else.
He’s hiding something from me.
He’s leaving me.
All evening, I tried to get a read on him, but it was impossible. The walls he’d knocked down had been resurrected in record time. Just this morning, we’d been thick as thieves, and tonight, I wasn’t sure what we were.
I might’ve been mistaking a bad day for disaster on the horizon. That was distinctly possible. But I’d ignored my instincts with Miller for months while he’d been terrorizing an old couple. If I’d spoken up sooner, I might’ve saved them some heartache at the very least, if not myself too.
Jake was propped on my bed when I entered my bedroom after tucking Nellie in. He put his phone down when I approached him, tipping his head back to look up at me. I slid my fingers through the top of his thick hair, and he closed his eyes, leaning into my touch.
I refused to let this go on a second longer. “So, what is it? Bad day, or are you sick of me? Either way, I’d like to know now.”
His eyes sprung open. “Sick of you? How could you think that? That’s not possible.”
“It’s easy to think that when you’ve barely looked at me since you got here. You’ve said maybe ten words and were a million miles away anytime Nellie wasn’t climbing all over you. So, I’m asking you to tell me now if you want to leave or are unsure whether you want to move forward. Don’t drag it out, please.”
He stared at me with an open mouth and furrowed brow as if he didn’t comprehend what I was saying to him.
He didn’t refute my claim or reassure me. Instead, his arms shot out and grabbed me by the middle. Whirling around, he threw me on the bed and climbed on top of me, straddling my legs. His clenched fists landed on either side of my head, and he glared at me with a tense jaw.
“I love you, Clara.”
I swallowed hard, unable to speak from the intensity rolling out of him in thick, cloying waves.
“I’m not done with you. I’m pretty certain I never will be,” he gritted out. “If I haven’t made it clear how completely in love with you I am, that’s my fault. I love you down to the core of me. It came on slow and steady, like a summer rain shower, and before I knew it, I was drenched. My love for you goes so deep it's a part of me now. Even if I tried to carve myself hollow, I wouldn’t be able to rid myself of it.”
He pressed his fists deeper into the mattress, his nose almost touching mine. “I’m not trying. I won’t try. I never want to stop loving you. Being in love with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, and next to having my daughter, the best. So no, I’m not leaving you, and I’m damn sure I want to move forward with you. I. Love. You.”
My breath froze in my lungs. Jake might’ve been on top of me, but he was the vulnerable one. His feelings seeped from his pores as his mouth put them into words I’d never forget.
“Jake…” I wiggled to free my hand so I could touch his tight jaw, “I love you too. Very much. That’s why I can’t sit by and watch you get lost in your head without feeling concerned. Maybe you need space, I don’t know. It’s just...I’m so messed up; when you don’t speak to me, I think it’s my fault.”
His sigh was so heavy he deflated, his forehead lowering to touch mine. “No, Clara. Not your fault. I’m really sorry for putting that thought in your head when it’s the opposite of the truth. Spending time with you and Nellie has been the best part of my day.”
I stroked his jaw, from his ear to his chin and back again. “Then what’s going on, baby? You can talk to me.”
He collapsed onto his side and pulled me with him, not leaving any space between our bodies. Those beautiful blue eyes of his were brimming with worry and something that looked a lot like pain. He was so good at this, letting me see his emotions, it made it easier to trust him and impossible not to love him.
“Jeremy and I…well, I’m going to have to make some decisions soon. He crossed a line with me I can’t get over. I would’ve said he broke my heart, except you’ve fortified it so well it’s pretty damn solid. He did put a dent in it, though, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to forget that.”
“What happened?”
He shook his head, his eyes closing. “I’m not ready to talk about it. Soon, I’ll tell you everything. I just really need to hold you tonight. Need you in my arms.”
“You don’t have to ask. I’m here.”
For a while, that was all we did. Jake had buried his nose in my hair and trailed his fingers up and down my back. I’d slipped my hands under his shirt, needing to feel his warmth under my palms.
As he held me, trickles of belief pooled inside me. The trail of his fingers on my spine and shoulders told me he loved me. His lips touching every place he could reach proved he wasn’t tired of me. The murmurs of my name and soul-deep groans as he tugged me closer and closer, even though I was flattened against him, were echoes of his need for me. Soon, I was filled with belief in Jake and me, my previous doubts floating away with my sighs.
He'd had a bad day. That didn’t mean impending disaster. He was human. He could be grumpy and quiet so long as he gave me this and worked through it with me when he was ready.
