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“Don’t even get me started on how furious I am at him for not telling me.”
Part of me is thankful he didn’t. I needed to do this on my own terms and being away from her allowed me to prove to myself that I can do things on my own. If she would’ve found me early on, we would’ve ended right back where we were. Me dependent on her.
“Why did you stay away for so long though?” I shrug, embarrassed to admit my reason. Her brows furrow. “I just don’t understand. I get you were in pain and having to deal with the unimaginable. But I, of all people, understand that.” I stare out across the living room, away from her questioning eyes. What Addison went through, being kidnapped, beaten, and raped, makes me feel ashamed of going away.
“At first, it was easier to forget about everything living out there, but in the process, I lost a bigger part of myself. I kept thinking I would find myself if I stayed just a little longer. And, in a way, I did. I just regret what I sacrificed to get there.” She stares at me, waiting for me to explain why I stayed away from her. I wring the tissue around my fingers, casting my eyes down. “I hate admitting this, but I was jealous. You had everything. I was left with nothing.”
She gasps. “Really? That’s how you felt?”
Pinching my lips together, I nod and finally look at her. “At the moment, yes. But my mind was filled with desperation to be needed during a time of distress.”
She leans back into the cushions and cast her gaze up to the ceiling. “And I wasn’t there for you.” She rolls her head over. “Do you hate me?”
“Oh my god, no! I thought you hated me.”
“Never.”
She pushes forward and swings her arms around me in a tight hug.
Warmth from my heart mending flushes through me. I know it’s just the beginning because my breaks are deep, but I haven’t felt this at peace in a year.
Chapter Seven
Sydney
When the front door flies open, we both turn our heads. A toothless smile spreads across Lulu’s little face. “Sydney,” she squeals, running at me with arms wide open. Her overzealous hug knocks us both back into the couch. Hearing her excitement alone makes me regret not doing this sooner.
“Oh my gosh, you’re getting so big.”
She pulls back and looks at me. “I missed you so much. I didn’t think you were ever coming back. Mom kept saying you were, but it’s been forever.”
I hold her face in my hands. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her call Addie mom. Lulu deserves the best after witnessing her parents’ murder and she got it with Aiden and Addison. “I missed you too.”
“What have you been doing?”
“I’ve been teaching singing lessons to little girls just like you.” I missed teaching kids but didn’t want to go back to teaching while I was performing at nightclubs most nights, so I taught a few lessons during the week. I still had money I received when my dad passed away, so I lived comfortably, but it wouldn’t last forever if I didn’t help offset some of my bills.
“I’ll be right back.” She jumps off the couch and runs out of the room.
I glance at Addie and she shrugs. “You never know with that one.”
“I bet she keeps you on your toes.”
“Oh, just wait until you see Jett. For a six-month-old, he’s a busy guy.” I chuckle, but it comes out more bitter than I had meant. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly.
I expected the baby would bring out feelings I had locked away months ago. But that’s why I’m here. To release these stored up feelings, free me to live again. It’s okay for me to be sad that I lost a child. I accept that.
“I’m all right. Don’t be sorry. I can’t wait to meet him.” The awkwardness that has never been there before, weighs heavy between us.
Lulu comes back into the room carrying a kid’s radio with a microphone attached to it. “Let’s sing,” she cheers.
I swallow, remembering the last time we sang together. I can’t do it. I play with my hair, pulling it back and into a twist. I’ve compartmentalized my singing. Singing for a job, I can do without feeling, but singing for enjoyment, I’ve yet to find my voice. I bite my lip, trying to think of what to say. What excuse I can give her.
“Sweetie, Syd’s tired. She’s been traveling all day. How about you get your homework done first?”
I breathe a sigh of relief.
Once she's out of the room, Addie looks at me. “I’m here anytime you need to talk. I know this is hard for you, so anytime it gets to be too much, just say… Magic Mike.”
