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He holds his hands in the air. “She said she was allowed to have ice cream. She was singing while she was looking at the flavors and I thought she was a cute little kid, so I gave her a scoop. I’m sorry,” he says quickly. I watch him fidget with his apron strings. I can tell by the way he’s so nervous that it was an innocent gesture. “Please, don’t tell my boss, he’ll fire me and I need this job.”
“I’m not going to tell your boss,” I say. “But it’s probably a good idea not to be handing out ice cream to kids without their parents around.”
He nods and apologizes again. While he scoops her ice cream, I look back at Lexi. She’s resting her head atop her hands on the table. Her little lips curl up on one side as she looks at me. I smile at her pitiful look.
The door jingles and I look back, thinking it’s Aiden. A mother with two girls comes in. She softly smiles at me and then at Lexi. She instructs her kids to go sit down by Lexi. One of her girls looks to be around the same age as Lexi. The mom comes and stands by me.
“Are you okay?” she asks sympathetically, softly placing her hand on my back.
I take a deep breath in and blow it out. “Not really.” I look back at Lexi, and she is smiling now, talking to the girls. Coming down from my adrenaline high is making my stomach twist, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I’m handed Lexi’s ice cream and I take a bite, hoping it’ll calm my stomach. Guilt starts to spread inside me. They’ll never give her to me if they find out that I lost her.
“Don’t beat yourself up over what happened to your daughter. It can happen to anyone. I’m pretty sure I’ve misplaced mine a time or two.” I don’t know why, but I feel a little better having a mother validate me and not judge me. Before Lexi, I would have. I would have been the one to wonder how a mother can lose her kid that easy.
I sigh. “Thank you.”
I motion to Lexi to come get her cup of ice cream and she skips over. As soon as I hand it to her, she skips back to her new friends. I gaze at her, thankful she’s okay.
I hear the door jingle again, and Lexi jumps out of her chair. The scraping noise echoes off the glass tile walls. “Aiden,” she screams and runs into his arms. He lifts her up, and she wraps her legs around him. “Are you mad at me?”
“Tater Tot, never. But I don’t want you to ever take off without telling us again,” he says, pulling his head back so he can see her face. She nods with wide eyes.
“I won’t. I promise.”
Aiden looks at me. “Are you ready to go?”
“We’re not going to the beach?” Lexi whines.
“How about we go another day. I think we’ve had enough fun for today.” Our eyes meet and I nod in agreement.
“Okay,” she says, sticking out her bottom lip. “It’s my fault anyway.” Her shoulders slump and she leans her head on his shoulder.
Aiden grabs her chin and lifts it. “Hey! Everyone makes mistakes. We just need to make sure we learn from them.” She nods her head again, and he kisses her on the forehead before putting her down.
While Lexi tells her new friends goodbye, I step in front of Aiden. “Can I breathe now?” I whisper. My voice hitches with emotion. “I feel like I’ve been suffocating the last half hour.” A tear falls down my cheek. His hand cups my face, and his thumb wipes away the tear. I lean into his palm.
He pulls me into him, and I grab onto his shirt. “It’s alright. She’s safe,” he murmurs. His arms wrap around my shoulders, and he digs his face into my neck. Time stands still as we hold each other up. Moments in time flash through my head, replaying today’s events. I need to let go of the what ifs. They didn’t happen. Lexi is safe. I exhale, releasing the anxiety inside of me. When little hands wrap around both of us, I feel complete. My world is put back on its axis.
For now, I can breathe again.
***
When we walk into the apartment, I notice Lexi being unusually quiet as she heads to her room. I tilt my head as I watch her walk to her room. Her head is down, and it looks like she’s crying. It’s been a long day for all of us, but I don’t know why she would still be crying. I follow her and when I enter her room, she’s on her bed, facedown. Her little shoulders shudder as she lets out a little cry.
“Lulu, what’s wrong?” I ask gently, sitting down beside her. I rub my hand on her back. She rolls over and it breaks my heart to see her tear-filled eyes. She sniffs and her upper lip trembles.
“Are… are…” she stutters, “…are you going…to send me away?”
What? Why would I…What the hell? Her words catch me off guard and it takes me a second to respond. “Lexi, why would I send you away?”
“Be-be-because I did something really bad. You might not want me anymore.” She sniffs again. Picking my heart off the floor because it just shattered into a million pieces, I pull her up into my arms and hold her tight.
“Lexi. No matter what you did, I would not send you away. I love you,” I say as tears roll down my face. “So much, sweet girl.”
“I’m sorry, Addie,” she cries into my chest.
I pull back so I can see her eyes. “Stop apologizing, Lexi.” She nods her head slowly. “Why would you think I would send you away?” I wipe a few tears away that have run down her cheek. I know I’m her foster parent, but I’ve never given her any reason to think her stay here is temporary.
“Some kids at school said I don’t have parents,” she says quietly and looks down. “They said you can send me away if I’m bad.” My mouth drops open in shock. What the hell kind of devil kids go to that school?
